


Monster

by CeluiScoundrel



Category: OC - Fandom
Genre: BL, BoyxBoy, Gang related, Kotora is super cute I promise, M/M, Original work - Freeform, and tragic now but, boyslove, cute boy, i write smut eventually, im a little shy but my writing isn’t, lmao oops sorry red, man i dont know tags, super human, there is a two year age difference, there is non-con right at the beginning, white haired anime boy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-22
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-06-30 22:05:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15760623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CeluiScoundrel/pseuds/CeluiScoundrel
Summary: Fuyuki meets a pretty and young boy named Koto by pretty terrible means. He is involved in suspicious activity and Koto was dragged into it and now all Fuyuki wants to do is protect Koto by any means necessary. It becomes a battle when he suddenly starts falling hard in love with the white haired boy, complex feelings overtaking him.





	1. I Feel Sick

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, I’m Aaryn and I’m probably going to regret this later. I’ll try to update every weekend but I’m quite the night owl so the chapters will be finished around 23:00 US central time. I’ll be more consistent if people come to like this.

I remember how flushed his face was that day. He timidly walked up to me, shy smile across his irritated red lips, showing he had bitten them up just moments before. His sapphire blue eyes had stayed low, just under my brown ones, just on my lips.

His voice was soft, quiet. I couldn’t hear him at first. It was almost feminine. The smaller male had expressed how he had a giant admiration for me, asking me to be his boyfriend. I had kindly refused.

My feelings towards him were non-existent. I didn’t want to break his heart or anything, I’m not that type of person. I didn’t care that he liked men, none of it mattered. I didn’t want to befriend him either. He was too innocent for my lifestyle, far too sweet.

But when I opened my eyes… there he was, bound down tight. All of his innocence was on display when he yelped and gasped out, nails clawing at the table as best as he could.

The gang member had been pounding into his innocent body, clawing at his thighs. My classmate’s head had been turned away from me, trying to hide his shame. His body was exposed, a bright cherry red rope had bound his arms behind him, white button up almost torn open, missing buttons and blood stained. His jeans ripped open, even cut in some parts. His legs had shown that the pervert wasn’t careful with the knife. I felt my insides twist and turn.

A fire resonated in my belly. I had a feeling I had unknowingly dragged him into this and I just couldn’t accept it.

“Let him go!” I screamed, thrashing against the bonds that held me against the chair. They were so tight, I though it was going to become a new part of me.

The member I had recognised snapped his head towards me, crooked grin on his disgusting face. He doesn’t deserve to touch that innocent flower.

Koto’s eyes glanced at mine, tears over flowing to his red face.

He was sobbing, something that didn’t look good on his cute face, at all.

“Get off of him, he doesn’t deserve this!” I screamed at the volatile male. Koto sniffled and whimpered, looking away.

“He feels so fucking good… His virgin body is so unused and tight…” He lewdly expressed every one of his thoughts. He wasn’t allowed to have those, not about him. He didn’t deserve this!

“Koto, though it’s forbidden, you feel so good on my cock~!” He cheered, panting into the white haired boy’s red ear.

He cried out, shaking his head, looking at me for help. My heart stopped and I felt my head start to throb, staring down that familiar gang member.

”…Please don’t look… Fuyuki…” His cry broke my heart. I let out a rough breath, feeling a static feeling through my fingertips.

I broke the tape around my wrists, the adhesive roughly tearing my skin, blood immediately trickling from my wrists. Koto’s eyes immediately darted to mine, fear still bright in his pure eyes. I pulled the disgusting human off of my classmate, earning a cry of relief from him.

Blood was all over his thighs, mainly from his scratched up hips and bitten thighs. I let my fist collide with the pervert’s nose, repeatedly. All I could see was blood and then… Koto.

My hands curled around his face, “Koto, I’m so sorry…” I let out a shuddering breath, “I-I’ll take you to my home, I’m so sorry…” I tried to guide him off the table, carefully as I could. He sniffled, trying to slide off but fell to his knees with a cry.

I grabbed him, holding him close to me. This was my fault, all my fault… I broke the soft, silk rope off his bruised wrists. He must’ve struggled so much…

I glanced around and picked up Koto’s limp, trembling body. His tears had dried out and he was just letting out shuttering breaths, clinging to me as soon as his hands were free.

His hands were scratched up, blood had dried in the natural curves. I gripped his shirt, “I’m so sorry, Koto. I’ll do anything, anything… to say sorry…” I held him close to me, walking to the only door in the dark room. 


	2. I Must Protect Him.

I had brought him to my home, helped him bathe, almost against his will but with all the cuts on his fragile and shaking body, I couldn’t risk it. 

I gripped his wrist a bit, stopping him from scrubbing his skin too much, “Koto…” I said in a sad tone. His face flushed and he stared at me for a second before moving forward. 

It was silent as I helped was his hair before his voice spoke. It was a soft yet broken tone; trembling bells is the best to describe it. His voice was so nice to listen to but the words… the sentence he formed… 

“That was my cousin, Naoki Tokei…” he grit his teeth, tears filling his eyes. I froze for a second, my breath just stopping in my throat. 

“He used to give me sweets on my birthday. My mother loved him to death.” He brought his knees to his chin. 

I rinsed his hair, “I’ll kill him.” I muttered bitterly, carefully massaging his head. He glanced at me, eyes narrowed, head shook to signify that he wouldn’t agree with that. 

I slumped my shoulders a bit, sighing. I stood up and immediately was greeted with Koto’s fingers tightly gripping my jeans, “W-Where are you going?” He held a worried look. I hummed a bit, “Just to get you a towel, Koto.” I ran my fingers through his hair, trying to calm him. His slender fingers slowly released my pant leg and allowed me to go to the sink and grabbing the softest towel I have. 

I glanced over at him. His eyes looked dim as he hopelessly watch me, hugging his legs close to himself. I walked over to him and beckoned him out. He followed, eyes narrowed the whole time. 

Koto held the towel against his body, staying close to me, limping as one of his arms was looped around mine. I led him to my room, letting him sit on my bed. He winced, biting his lip as he shifted to sit. 

“I-I can get you some clothes, just take this…” I handed over pain medication. His eyes shifted uncomfortably and his fingers slid over my palm, softly caressing my hand as he took the little pink pills. 

How was I going to keep him safe? This guy has family ties to the C gang. I only knocked that guy out, I couldn’t kill him. Not in front of Koto. I couldn’t let him see that, he’s only a junior in high school, I just couldn’t. 

He consumed the pills and stared at me, waiting for me to move. Koto’s sapphire blue eyes… 

I lowered my gaze, “… Rest. I’ll get you some clothes.” I started to walk away, almost reaching for the doorknob.

“P-Please don’t leave me…” His head lowered. I couldn’t see his face, “I know I’m in a pitiful state and I shouldn’t be seen but I won’t feel safe…” I heard his voice starting to break, “You may have been disgusted by me before I was… I… When I confessed to you…” He gasped for a small breath, letting out a choked sob, “But what if he comes for me again? H-He knows who I am… He know… He knows me, Fuyuki…!” He turned his head towards me, pearls of tears falling down his flushed cheeks as he voice became shaky and quiet. 

I watched him as he voiced out his sickest fear that lingered deep within his core, a new fear. He was already weak but this had broken him completely. He had never cried. I hadn’t known him but he was a star in our school. He always was laughing, pulling pranks that would bring him on the brink of expulsion, so confident... Seeing someone so happy and peaceful… it was heart breaking to see him like this. 

If I hadn’t rejected him that day, would he still be happy? Maybe if I hadn’t caught his eye at all? Would he still have that stupidly large grin on his face?

I took a step towards him. It’s all my fault he was so unhappy, it was my fault that he wasn’t laughing. 

It’s my fault for being such an awful person. 

I climbed onto bed, behind him and pulling him into a tight hug, “I’m so sorry, Kotora…” I nuzzled his neck, furrowing my brows as I buried my head in his soft hair. 

Koto gripped my arms, “Please, don’t leave me.” He sobbed, shaking his head. I pulled him to lay down, not minding he was completely naked. He gripped my arm and held me close, sniffling and hiccuping. 

We slept like that. I held him close and he held me closer. 

I woke up, looking down to see Koto in my arms, sleeping not so soundly. He was shivering and crying in his sleep. I hugged him tightly. Should I wake him? 

“…Koto, wake up…” I whispered, combing his hair, gently shaking him. His eyes snapped open. Sapphire almost drowned in black, quickly shrinking as he looked up at me. They were filled with tears. 

He quickly relaxed, burying his face in my chest. Ah, this felt weird. 

I pet his hair, hushing him a bit, “… I’ll get you some clothes and make breakfast… then… we have to get to school…” I sighed softly. He shook his head. 

“P-Please, I can barely walk…” He whimpered out, sniffling. I let out a soft sigh, nodding, sliding out of bed. Koto sat up, showing a pained face as he adjusted. 

I opened my drawer and grabbed a few items for him to wear. I slid them on the bed, sliding his shirt on for him. It was a new one I hadn’t even worn yet. He flushed as I slid a pair of underwear over to him. 

Koto stood up, legs wobbling as he did so. He slid on the bottoms as I held his shoulder, then jeans.

The male stood, eyes low. I grabbed his hand, carefully leading him to the kitchen. I made him breakfast, making sure to make well enough for us. 

He stared at it, stealing glances at me. I could tell he desperately wanted to stop his rapid thoughts of pain.

“So, Koto. How long have you lived here?” I smiled softly, taking bites of my food. If he couldn’t smile right now, I’d do it for him. 

His eyes narrowed, “Since grade eight.” He bit his lip, “I’ve…” he trailed off, looking away again, flushed red. 

“You’ve…?” I smiled, leaning on my hand. He flushed, sinking his head a bit with a shy smile. 

“I’ve had a crush on you ever since.” He glanced at me, smile fading as he said it. His shoulders loosened and he let his arms fall into his lap, a somber expression crossed his gentle features. 

I laughed a bit, “That long? I’d at least expect a hello from you, get to know you better.” I took a bite. Koto flushed red.

“If you had known me, would you have said yes…?” He whispered, still red. He could talk about that? I don’t think he really knows why I had rejected him, not even now… After what happened, he had to suspect. 

I let out a small sigh, “Even if you did, I would’ve rejected you, even if I did love you.” My eyes watched his. He stared at me for a few seconds before looking away. 

“It’s not that I don’t find you interesting… I didn’t want you to get hurt because you associated with me… But, I guess it doesn’t matter anymore. What does matter is that you distance yourself from me. That’s the only why we can make sure what happened last night doesn’t happen again.” I explained half-heartedly. 

A sad smile crossed his quivering lips, “It was because I associated with you? That was my cousin. He… He wanted that. While he tied me up he told me how much he wanted to claw and bite into my skin, to touch me in ways no person ever has… He whispered such gross things to me, doing adult things to my body. He’s been thinking of doing that for years. He planned out every second… for years.” He gripped his arms, looked down as he tried to hold back sobs, “He took something that I wanted to give to you and I… I think that hurts more. I wanted to devote myself to you, I still do. It won’t mean much anymore but I still… I still like you. You’ve saved me.” He trembled, smiling as tears fell down his rosy cheeks. I felt my heart flutter as he confessed. He smiled. It was sad but he still smiled…

He was still so innocent. More innocence pooled in his eyes than most teenagers. Was he just sheltered? Or was he really ‘devoted’ to me this much that he planned to give his virginity to me? … That’s embarrassing to even think. Even if he really was, would he say this if I didn’t… save him?

“What if I couldn’t stop last night from happening? Would you be saying this at all?” I asked, quietly, taking a bite of my food. It was cold now…

He nodded, “You saved my life more than once now.” He stated, sniffling a bit, wiping his eyes. 

“I… did?” I cocked my head up, a bit confused. His head nodded once more, childish eyes still downcast. 

His eyes drew up to me, seeing my confusion. “You don’t remember…” He breathes out, scratching his head, “… On the way to school, when I was a freshmen, we have the same route, over the bridge. For some reason, you were out late at night and saw me about to jump and told me not to. That I would be okay.” He smiled softly, “You told me that if I kept smiling, kept being confident, even if it was hard, it would turn into real confidence and I listened. I liked you before that but…” He laughed softly. 

I do remember that night. I was going home after an incident I had with the C gang. A terrible night for me, I almost wanted to jump with him but he looked so broken, he looked…

“You had blond hair.” I recalled, putting my silverware down. He flushed, nodding. 

“I dyed it blond because I was always made fun of in middle school. I thought if I did, I would get a completely fresh start in high school. In a way, I did, because of you.” He sighed, closing his eyes as his arms dropped to his lap. 

“… Will you be alright on your own for a few hours?” I asked, calmly, changing the subject. His eyes widened slightly, signalling me that he wasn’t fond of the idea. Instead he nodded. 

He bit his lip, “I should be.” He didn’t sound confident at all. 

I sighed softly and stood up, “Alright. When I get back, we’ll talk seriously.” I grabbed my plate, motioning for his. He slid it over, barely touching it. Was my cooking really all that bad?

“Please don’t take too long.” I heard him whisper with a small tremble. I lowered my eyes as I washed the dishes. 

I didn’t take that long. Only an hour and thirty minutes. I had a visit to make. 

“You said your gang would leave me alone this month. I paid my debts.” I slammed my hands down. The woman looked at me, her red eyes watching me with distain. 

“We are. If you show so much ungratefulness, we can up your debt, Nakahara.” She said in a low tone, head lowering as she glared at me. 

Her name was Hanae Mori, C gang leader. She was always dressed in red, her hair was long and black, always up in a tight ponytail. She had a beautiful appearance but an ugly personality. 

I stood up and let out a small bow, still angered, “Someone here has acted out.” I said clearly, looking her in her sharp red eyes. She stood, “You accuse someone from my group to act against one lowly person? How pitiful.” She scoffed, stepping closer, kicking the small table out of the way. 

“I mean no disrespect.” I glared a bit, “Someone, a lowly thug, hurt someone very important to me. Raped them while I watched.” I narrowed my eyes, watching as her scowl turned to anger. There it is. 

I smiled crookedly. “Naoki Tokei.”. Mori may have been a bad person but she still has some sympathy. She’s only human. 

“Naoki… To…kei…” She whispered, looking away. 

She was raped, too. We had been lovers and she confided in me one drunk night. That’s how she was in her position as leader. The only way to make it through this harsh gang was to kill and give yourself up. The day she was promoted to an assistant of sorts, she killed him there, on the table, in front of everyone, including me and took the throne for herself. She became bitter and lost herself and we became distant, loosing each other. I was proud of her and her respect for everyone.

The C gang made sure it wasn’t well known but news slipped every now and again. The public thinks it’s a small time murder gang. It’s so much more than that. They have hands everywhere. Mori made sure they had no ties with sex slave trafficking, making the business almost collapse. They do arms deals, drug trafficking, human experiments... 

“I’ll see to it.” She glanced behind her, one of the thugs at the door nodded and left, “Who was it?” She asked, voice calm and sweet. 

I lowered my gaze, “His cousin.” I grit my teeth, “What a sick fuck.” I felt my fists all up tightly. 

Her eyes lowered and she got on her knees, “I’m very sorry someone would do something so disgusting under my arm. I will make sure it never happens again… Is she okay?” Mori stayed on her hands and knees. 

“He. No, he isn’t. He’s just a child. He doesn’t know about this world and I’m afraid of showing it to him.” I held out my hand. She looked at it, hesitating to grab it. 

I helped her up, “He. I would like to see him.” She requested. I shook my head, “Were you not listening? I don’t want him involved anymore.” I crossed my arms. 

“I want to see him. I will come with you and you will show him to me. These accusations are absolutely serious and while I trust you, I have to know for myself.” She stated calmly, “So take me, now.” Her eyes were calm as well. She had no ill will. I let my stiffened body loosen. 

“I’ll have to explain everything to him…” I let my voice falter. 

“Is that so hard?” Mori bit her lip. 

I looked at her seriously, “He’s barely seventeen, Hanae…!” I argued. She hummed, nodding, “You’re barely nineteen and I’m almost twenty-three. Age doesn’t matter when it comes to something like this. The way you put it, you seem close. It’s dangerous not to tell him, Fuyuki.” She glared softly. I wanted to retaliate but she was right. I slumped my shoulders and sighed.

“Okay.” I mumbled, completely against the idea. She grabbed my hand, her glove was silk. She brought my hand up to her shiny red lips, planting a kiss on my knuckles. 

“I’ll make this right.” She whispered quietly, her voice becoming exceedingly cute. 

I lead her back to my home and hummed as we reached the door, “Don’t frighten him, you hear me?” I glared at her. She chuckled, tucking some of her silky black hair behind her ear, “What’s so frightening about me?”.

I unlocked the plethora of locks on my apartment, entering. Koto sat on the sofa, huddled up in my blanket, looking at his phone. His eyes met Mori and he sat up, putting down his phone. 

She smiled, “He’s cute.” Her eyes met mine with a smile. 

“Sorry for bothering you, Koto.” I moved over to him, sitting next to him. He shook his head, “It’s… fine…” he whispered quietly, letting the blanket fall from his shoulders. 

“… This is Mori, she’s…” I trailed off, looking at her. She rolled her eyes, holding out her hand, “Hanae Mori, you can call me Hanae, no need for honourifics.” She shined as Koto took her hand. He hesitated, showing an awkward smile. He was scared. 

“… Kotora Tokei…” He glanced at me. I nodded a bit. 

“Kotora, I have come to discuss some things with you and Yuki.” She moved and sat next to him, pushing me back. I frowned, how rude…

Koto looked unnerved and I little scared. A beautiful stranger talking to him as if she had known him for years. 

“I was told what happened… Last night.” She let out a tense sigh. His eyes widened and he looked at me. 

The betrayal in his eyes… I felt my chest tighten. 

“I was only informed because I was… I was, too. The person who committed the atrocity is also under my wing.” Her voice calmly explained, trying to bring peace to him. His eyes softened. “I intend on punishing him severely. You also have to understand, I am a crime leader so if you go to the police, it would only cause you more trouble.” Her voice because a little more harsh as she threatened him. 

He gripped the blanket, “Crime leader?” His voice trembled as he looked up at her, eyes watering. She nodded. 

“Your cousin, he is involved with the C gang, the group I lead. I will make sure to punish him, mentally and physically. He will not touch you or see you. If this ever happens again, tell Yuki. He will come to me and I will protect you.” She grabbed his small hands, holding them tightly. He glanced at me.

“Yu… Fuyuki, what do you have to do with this…?” He trembled, sniffling. I lowered my gaze. 

Mori looked at me, waiting for me to speak. 

“I told you I didn’t want you involved and that’s exactly what I’m doing, I’m sorry again, Kotora.” I whispered, standing up. Koto grabbed my shirt, letting go of Mori.

“T-Tell me…” He quivered, knowing what I was going to say. I can’t stand his crying face. That’s all I’ve seen from him the past day. I looked away, pushing his hand off me and going to my room. 

I sat against my down, holding my head in my hands. 

I was kidnapped from my family when I was a child. They were experimenting with the limitation of the human strength. Many children could do without the limitations and broke many limbs, right down to the pinky finger. I strived. There were others and I was close with them but we were separated and I finally left. I went back to their doorstep when I was first entering middle school. They took me in, a new leader taught me how to use my newfound power. 

I lost my ability to feel fear. My adoptive parents were forced to give me up to the gang and soon, when I turned fifteen, I was given my on apartment. They were exceedingly nice to me but… Each month, I had to show them I wasn’t weak. I had to murder, every month. Since Mori took over, she kept the rule and called it a debt. She was jealous and still is. To this day, she’s terrified of being powerless in this harsh world. 

I stayed in my room for what felt like forever. After they were done talking, Mori came to my room. She opened the door without knocking. 

“Did you tell him?” I asked, putting my book down and standing up. 

“I’m sorry. Kotora has family ties to our organisation and got hurt because of us. I couldn’t hold back.” I huffed and walked past her. 

“You have no sympathy for me, do you?” I muttered bitterly. She gripped my arm. 

“I don’t.” She muttered, not looking at me, “You were and still are a selfish brat.” She let me go. I stood still for a second before scoffing.

“Lady in Red, would you ever understand what it means to me?” I asked. She didn’t move. 

I walked out to Koto. He stared at the ground with an empty stare. I couldn’t read him at all… 

“Koto?” I reached for his shoulder. He looked up at me, his deep blue eyes finally showing some emotion. 

“Fuyuki…” He whispered, smiling gently as if I was a child in need of comfort. 

He buried his head in my stomach, pulling me in for a hug.

“I can’t cry anymore… I… I feel awful.” He trembled, “It’s the same for you, isn’t it?” His breath trembled. I felt my face heat up. 

He laughed softly, sniffling and standing up, trembling a bit. He curled his arms around me, pulling me into a hug. 

“I trust you to protect me.” He whispered into my shoulder. I looked down at his head and stayed silent. He trusts me? What exactly did she tell him? I cautiously brought my hand to his hair, patting his head. He pulled back after a while, sniffling and letting out a soft smile. 

“Sorry. It must’ve been a lot to take in.” I smiled, not really meaning anything with it as I patted his head. He nodded a bit. 

He twiddled with his fingers, “I… Yeah, it was but now I know… and I can get to know you better.” He smiled softly. He’s still thinking about romancing me. He really is innocent…

I let out a small laugh. I couldn’t keep my smile. I must protect him. I can’t… let him get corrupted, not a anymore. I must protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a little rushed because I usually hate not knowing where my characters came from. It’s a bad habit, ehe


	3. He’ll be okay, right?

I awoke to a sweet smell. I hummed softly, pulling my blanket closer to my body, curling my leg with it. It pulled me back— wait… Warm breathing tickled my lips.

I opened my eyes to see his, closed. His face was flushed a soft pink, matching lips, still a little red from biting. They looked soft and wet, something unlike a girl’s. They parted slightly and whispered…

“Fuyuki…” a soft tone, almost erotic as his lips nearly brushed against mine, they curled into a small smile. I looked up, his pools of dark blue meeting my dark brown eyes. 

I sat up, my face red. Koto propped himself up, rubbing his head, “Good morning.” He smiled a genuine smile. I flushed and looked away, nodding as I rubbed the back on my neck. 

“Morning…” I mumbled, my face still red. Why was I noticing that? And that sweet smell… That was him? I used my shampoo, right? Why does his hair smell like strawberries?

He licked his lips and stretched his arms out, yawning a bit. 

I felt his arms curl around mine, pulling me close like a child’s teddy bear. I felt my heart pick up as his thighs brushed up against my leg. I take it back, this kid isn’t innocent, not at all!!

We both eventually got up and changed. We brushed out teeth as well. Why did it seem that everything Koto did was… adorable? Was that just me? 

He groggily ate breakfast and we agreed that skipping two days of school wasn’t a good idea. I also asked him about his parents and if they were worried. 

“Oh… Haha, not at all. I stay over at my friends houses unannounced all the time!” There was something about his voice that just seemed sad. I looked at my feet and nodded. 

“If you say so.” I mumbled, sighing. He smiled softly.

“Hey,” He whispered quietly. I kept my eyes forward, humming in question. 

“Can I stay over again? I don’t want to go home.” He crosses his arms, looking at me with a smile. There was fear behind it…

I glanced at him, nodding, “Until you feel safe, I’m always here.”. He held his chest, “Thank you so much, Fuyuki…” He bit his lip. Whenever he said my name, my whole body shivered. 

“I wish I could do more…” I mumbled under my breath. His eyes stayed low as he let his hand brush mine. I glanced at his hand and noticed he was shaking. 

I sighed and let my fingers curl with him. This felt really weird to do this with a guy… 

His face was red and he just stared at the ground. I guess if it was him, it was okay. Ensuring his safety means he has to feel safe, right? 

“After you get out of class, meet me by the front gate and we’ll walk home together. If I’m not there then don’t wait. Go back inside, alright?” I smiled at him. His grip tightened and he glanced at me, “Wh-what if—“ I shushed him. 

“No what if. I promise you’ll be okay.” I smiled at him, gripping his hand right back. He took a few breaths. 

We arrived at school and Koto hid behind me, scanning the heavy crowd. 

“I-I don’t know… Fuyuki, would it be too late to leave?” He trembled, gripping my arm tightly. I nodded, “Yes. It’s okay. I’ll see you after class, okay?” I patted his head as we started to walk in. Immediately, a small group of people stumbled up to us.

A chubby female with brown hair let out a small squeal, “Kotora! Where were you yesterday…?” He eyes trailed up to me as her sentence trailed out. 

I turned to gaze to Koto, “I’ll leave you here. Don’t forget what I told you…” I smiled, patting his head. I could see his worried gaze trailing down as his grip on my shirt tightened. The female brunette showed her friends a worried glance as she pushed the two back to their lockers. 

“Hey.” I grabbed his chin. He was about to cry. 

“I feel like everyone knows…” Koto trembled, “They’re all watching…” a small whimper escaped him as he grabbed my jacket tightly. 

“Koto.” I grabbed his face, “No one knows. It’s only us. Only us, Okay? No one is going to hurt you. If anyone thinks of it, they’ll regret it.” I ruffled his already messy hair. 

He rested his head on my shoulder, “Please make this day go by fast…” He whispered. I nodded, “It will.” I pushed him back gently. 

I thought about what I could say to make him feel better but I couldn’t think of anything appropriate in the school setting. Instead I pulled back and smiled, “Class is starting soon. Just stay close to your friends.” I instructed, combing my fingers, trying to calm him and his hair down. 

He nodded slowly, “…Alright.” He finally agreed and let me go. Finally…

“See you after school, Koto.” I hummed softly. He crossed his arms, nodding as he gripped his jacket. We stood for a second before I turned and left for my locker. He didn’t grab for me, just watched. I don’t think his eyes left my form until the bell rang, calling us in for class. 

I had a pretty boring time in class, all I could think about was Koto. I wonder how he was doing? Maybe I shouldn’t have brought him in today. I bite at the eraser of my pencil, trying my best to listen to the teacher. 

My mind was still flooded with the images from this morning. It was embarrassing to have him so close to me but thinking out it in my normal mindset, it was really… sexual. Or maybe I was just over thinking it? Koto is a sweet boy, I bet he’d taste even sweeter- wait, what? No, that’s weird. 

I hid my face in my hands. I can’t think of him like that, I just can’t. Even if he wasn’t involved with me, if he didn’t get… kidnapped. I’m not… gay? I don’t think I was. No other man has interested me like a woman has. My tastes were mature anyways. Koto just… wouldn’t work with me, it’s not ideal, even if my past was normal he would end up getting hurt. 

It was nearing 12:00 and I let out a heavy sigh. Today just wasn’t moving as fast as I’d like it. I had nothing to do. The C gang isn’t going to be on my ass for another two weeks and since it’s nearing June, I’m treasuring it. The summer was the best time for the C gang to harass me about extra jobs. 

I ruffled my hair a bit and sighed, writing on the nearly blank page. 

Suddenly, an assistant entered the classroom, whispering to the teacher. 

He nodded a bit and his eyes met mine. Oh no. 

“Nakahara, to the office.” My teacher let out a heavy sigh. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering the reason. All my thoughts went to Koto. What if something happened to him?

I quickly stood up and made my way to the office as fast as I could without running. I bumped into people here and there butI didn’t care much. 

The door was opened after I hastily knocked on it. 

“Ah, you’re Fuyuki?” Asked a young lady, filing through papers. The office seemed more empty but assumed it had to do with lunch as the bell rang about five minutes ago. I nodded swiftly.

“In the nurse’s office. A young boy is in hysterics, asking for you. He didn’t want me to call his guardians but I had no choice. He will be going home in a few minutes so try to get him to calm down.” She explained in a mono toned voice. I furrowed my eyebrows and nodded, “I-I’ll try…” I mumbled, slowly making my way to the nurses office. 

I entered and the nurse was no where to be seen. Koto sat on one of the beds, hiccuping as he held his phone in a death grip. 

“Koto…?” I asked, closing the door quietly. His eyes darted up and he sprung to his feet, shoving his phone into my hands. I almost dropped it as he trembling hands let go. He was seriously shaking… More tears rolled down his cheeks as he gasped out and cried, “Look! Look!” pointing at his phone. 

I looked down to see multiple text messages with death threats. Oh. Just from the previews alone, I could tell it was the dirty pervert. I opened his phone and looked through the messages. He was threatening Koto with death and rape. What kind of terrible person is he? They couldn’t have come from the same family. 

And they just kept coming. I muted the contact and put my phone in my pocket, pulling him into a tight hug. Koto shook his head, “I can’t… I don’t want to go home, he’s there… he- he’s there…!” He clawed at my shirt. 

Wait, they live together?

“What?” I mumbled, pulling back, wiping the tears that fell from his eyes. His cheeks were so flushed now, flushed and wet. His slicked lips were trembling…

“That’s why I don’t want to go home, Fuyuki…” His voice cracked as he tried to calm down, eyes connecting with mine. 

I held his warm cheeks, “But… the front desk said that your parents were picking you up.” I felt curiosity claw at me. He shook his head, “Th-They died when I was thirteen, the night you caught me at the bridge.” He grabbed my wrists, looking up at me with his beautiful blue eyes. I couldn’t even begin to count the stars that were fading in and out. I felt myself lean in a bit and as soon I did, Koto’s hot breaths ceased, his eyes widening.

My eyes narrowed. What am I doing?

“Mori obviously didn’t warn him seriously enough. Tell me your address.” I slid my hands down to his shoulders. He let go of my wrists and gripped the hem of his shirt. 

His plump lips parted a bit as he let out a hesitant breath, “… Are you going to kill him?” His eyes shifted down, his tone was still shaky but I think it was as calm as he could get it. 

I pulled back, furrowing my eyebrows. I was… offended. I wouldn’t do anything like that unless I absolutely had to. 

“Please don’t think so ill of me.” I said clearly, narrowing my eyes at him. His eyes met mine and he tensed up. He stepped back, stumbling back onto the bed. 

“Your eyes are yellow…” He whispered out, eyebrows furrowed, a worried look. I caught myself, feeling the familiar tingling in my fingers. I guess I pushed it last time I used it.

“… I won’t kill him. I’ll make sure he won’t text you again. Maybe I’ll get him to leave your home.” I let out a breath, calming myself down a bit. He shook his head. 

“No, I’d rather you not… H-He might continue to harass me and- and Id rather just... Not go back, I don’t want to… if I don’t have to…” His fingers intertwined as if he was a child in trouble, twiddling as he sniffled. 

I lowered my gaze, “You can’t expect to live with me for the rest of the school year, Koto.” I muttered. I instantly regretted the tone I used as it sounded like I was scolding him. His head lowered, “I-I…I’m sorry for burdening you…” He whispered. Wait, that’s not what I meant…!

A knock was heard on the door and it opened as soon as the knock finished. 

I glanced behind me to see an older looking woman with long blonde hair and dark blue eyes. She let out a heavy sigh, walking up to Koto. 

“You don’t seem all that crazy to me. Honestly, what’s with this damn school?” She rolled her eyes. He sniffled and smiled at her, “I-I dunno…” He rubbed his eyes free of tears. 

A worried expression crossed the woman’s face, “What’s wrong, Koto?” She asked, watching as the white haired male stood. Koto stole a glance at me.

“Is Naoki home?” He asked suddenly. I lowered my gaze. 

“No, the delinquent has been out since you left as well. And speaking of, why did I get a call saying you had missed two days of school?” Her eyes narrowed, tone shifting. Koto stiffened, eye’s shifting to mine. 

The woman followed his tense gaze and turned to me, “What? If you have anything to do with my dear nephew’s delinquency then we’re going to have problems.” She scolded me, pointing her finger at me. 

I laughed nervously, shaking my head suddenly, “N-No, I promise!” I smiled at her. She let out a sigh. 

“Come on, Koto. We need to have a serious talk when we get home.” She rubbed her forehead and took a few breaths. Koto nodded a bit. The woman took her leave and a few seconds later I could hear an argument start. 

Koto was flushed, ear to ear. “I’m guessing Mori has something to do with his absence.” I theorised, crossing my arms. The male nodded, eyes low. 

Other than the passive-aggressive argument in the other room, it was silent. Koto didn’t speak or move. His eyes stayed at his feet.

I bit my lip, “Koto, I didn’t mean to say you were a burden… You weren’t.” I uncrossed my arms, walking closer to him. He shook his head, “No, I get it.” He smiled half-heartedly. I pulled him into a tight hug.

“Good luck, okay? You know where I live if you need me.” I mumbled into his soft, sweet smelling hair. Koto nodded, making my chest twinge with pain. I stayed as I was for a second too long and pulled back, brushing my hand through his hair a bit, smiling at him. 

I could see his eyes sparkle for a second but then he looked away, face reddening again. 

“You can still stay over tonight… o-only if you need to.” I pulled away completely, putting my hands behind my back. Koto hummed softly, “Thank you…” he took his leave. I watched him as he walked out, his arms tightly crossed against his body and head low. He’ll be okay right? … Can I still protect him even if he isn’t at my side?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You’re only slightly gay, Fuyuki.


	4. Just like any other job.

My bed felt almost empty without Koto next to me. It had only been two days but it felt like it was longer. Of course, I didn’t care all that much, it was what it was. He didn’t come to visit me later yesterday and we hadn’t exchanged numbers. Even if we did, I forgot that I took his phone. He was still getting those messages but as the night came, they got more graphic. It was definitely a good thing I took his phone. I ended up just blocking the contact and leave the device on my nightstand. 

It was a weekend and after this, tests. I let myself sleep in today but I was awoken by knocking at my door. 

I slipped out of bed with a small sigh, answering it. 

Koto stood at my doorstep wearing absolutely adorable clothing. I flushed a bit. He was wearing loose jeans and and a long sleeved, deep red shirt. Suspenders dangled from his jeans and as I looked closer, a small, black clip in his white hair. 

“Ah, Good morning, did I wake you?” He asked, shyly. I shook my head despite him actually waking me. 

“I assume you’re here for your phone?” I chuckled. He nodded, “Y-Yeah…” he took a small breath. I let him in, closing and locking the many locks on my door. 

“I deleted his contact and blocked him. You shouldn’t see any more of that. I’m sorry.” I guided him to my room. Koto’s eyes stayed low as he fidgeted. 

He’s been in here before, why is he so nervous?

I reached for his phone and slid it over to him, “You okay?” I asked, watching as he gnawed at his lip. He nodded, not making eye contact. 

“I-It’s just that…” he trailed off, letting out a shy chuckle, “You’re in your underwear…” he pointed out, face flushing a darker red. I looked down. Huh, he’s right.

“Sorry.” I mumbled walking over to my dresser. He buried his face in his hands, muttering something. 

“So, how was your morning?” I queried, sliding on some slim jeans. Koto let out a stressed sigh, “I had nightmares and I still feel really gross…” he admitted shamefully. I rubbed the back of my neck, “You could’ve slept over, you know. You didn’t have nightmares yesterday, did you?” I glanced at him as I laid down.

Koto flushed, “Now that you mention it…” he chuckled shyly. I let out an unconscious snicker. 

“… I have a question…” Koto cleared his throat, changing the subject. I hummed, signalling him to go on. He sat next to me, tucking some of his hair back. 

“What’s your favourite colour?” He smiled sweetly. I looked at him with a confused glance and propped myself up. I looked into his eyes and saw that he was completely serious. 

I hesitated, “… Dark blue.” I flushed a bit, looking away, “What about you?”. I could get why he asked. Knowing these little things is kind of neat and a good way to keep his mind off of what happened.

He covered his lips slightly, “It’s a dusky pink colour. The same colour your cheeks get sometimes.” He let out a giggle. Why you...! I felt my face heat up and he let out another small laugh. I covered my face a bit, “I-It’s hot out today.” I let out a breath. He can’t really be this cute. 

“What about… Your favourite food?” He tilted his head, resting it on his shoulder, smiling coyly at me. I hummed a bit, “I’m not sure, but I’m willing to give you a try… or maybe just plain rice. Anything innocent.” I smiled at him. His face turned an absolutely hilarious red. I couldn’t help but laugh a bit, “How about you?”.

“I-I mean… U-uh, anything sweet.. b-but…” his eyes were wide as he tried to process that. I let out a chuckle, “I’m kidding, Koto, relax.” I patted his head. His body was stiff and he nodded slowly, face still beet red as he stared at the ground. 

“What’s your favourite animal?” I asked, bringing my legs up and crossing them as I watched his pale skin return as he thought. 

“Ah, cats. Definitely.” He nodded, looking up at me. I hissed a bit, “Yikes, I’m a dog person. We could never get along.” I joked, bowing slightly. He laughed softly.

“Your eyes remind me of a cat’s.” He said at random. I tilted my head, “Meow?” I smiled at him. He flushed and let out another cute chuckle. 

“Mya!” He meowed back, smiling brightly. Ah, there he was. I could feel my heart flutter. He was really cute but it wasn’t as feminine as I had hoped. Koto did have the face to be super cute and feminine and he sometimes acted like it but he wasn’t a girl. It was almost wrong for me to compare. 

I shook my head slightly, “What are your plans for today?” I cleared my throat, watching as he twiddled his fingers. His eyes turned to lock with mine and I knew his answer; he wanted to spend it with me. 

I wasn’t against it, if he was in my sights then I know he’d be safe. The only problem is the conflicting feelings I’m having. Being in the same room with him is bringing me one step closer to craziness. Is that even possible? Three days. That’s all it took and he’s the only person in my mind. 

I smiled a bit, “I have something to do today but after that…” I laid back closed my eyes, “I’m all yours.” I let out a heavy sigh. 

“Oh. It’s fine, aha, sorry for bothering you…” He stood up, putting his phone in his pocket. I didn’t want him to leave just yet, I’m trying to prolong what I’m going to do because it is for him. 

“You haven’t been bothering me. I just can’t stop thinking about you.” I blurted out without thinking. My face flushed as I could see how that could be taken, “Y-Your safety, I couldn’t stop thinking about your safety. It’s seriously concerning, especially with what you’ve told me yesterday!” I looked over at him. He crossed his arms.

His eyes shifted from the ground to me, “Thank you for worrying but Hanae visited me yesterday.” He nodded a bit. I sat up suddenly. “What? Why?” I stood to my feet, watching him with concern, “Koto, I don’t want you to have any connections with them, none. You understand? That’s a gross business and I don’t want you anywhere near it!” I gripped his shoulders. 

He tensed up, “I-It’s not like that. She told me not to worry about Naoki… and to not come over today.” He lowered his gaze, “But I did anyways.” He mumbled, biting at his lip. I sighed, loosening my grasp on him.

I could understand why he came over. His phone, right? 

Speaking of…

“Hey.” I mumbled, letting him go. He looked up at me, eyes weary, “I’ll give you my contact information, that okay?” I smiled. He shrugged, “Alright…”. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand and we exchanged information. 

“There!” I smiled, ruffling his, still, dishevelled hair. Ugh, he’s so cute. He smiled softly, nodding.

“Thanks.” He mumbled, bashfully. I let my hand slide off his head, trying my hardest to prolong it by cupping his cheek and sliding off his jaw line. He stepped a bit closer as my finger left his jaw. It was like he was trying to prolong it to but…

Now he was so close… His eyes were low, on my lips as he stayed still. My fingers rested on his chest. I could feel it rise and fall unsteadily. His eyes shifted to mine, giving me an asking look. 

I was frozen as I looked into his captivating blue eyes. A small smile crossed his lips as he stood up on his tippy toes, pulling me into a tight hug. 

I was confused. He wanted that, right? He’s confessed nearly three times already. I was… about to kiss him… I was about to kiss him… I was about to kiss him!

I pulled back, letting out a breath as my eyes widened at the realisation. Koto’s eyes widened and I could see his lip tremble as he saw the expression on my face. His face flushed and he looked down, biting his lip. It was silent for a second as I watched him with… confusion. 

I saw blood trickle from his lips and I furrowed my eyebrows.

“Im sorry…” He whimpered and left my room. I was still for a second as I thought about going after him.

I did. I ran out of my room and grabbed his wrist, pulling him back. He cried out, curling up and blocking his head with his free arm. I loosened my grip, furrowing my eyebrows. 

“Kotora.” I said, sternly. He relaxed, shoulders drooping, looking away as I used his full name. I pulled him close to my chest, running my fingers up into his hair, pulling his head against my chest.

“I didn’t mean to… I’m confused… okay?” I let out a soft breath, closing my eyes as I inhaled. His hair smelled different. It smelled even sweeter, it was intoxicating. 

Koto pushed back, licking his lips clean of blood. Would he still taste sweet, even with his candy red blood on his lips? 

I leaned down and kissed his head, “… I’m going to leave to do a few chores. You can stay or you can leave.” I whispered, “And then I’m going to spend the rest of the day with you, you got that?” I muttered, pulling back. Koto’s narrowed, nodding. 

“Yeah… Okay…” he smiled a bit, hiding it with his fingers, resting them on his red lips.

I smiled softly, nodding. I let him go, kissing his head again. I walked over to put my boots on. 

“… What are you confused about…?” Koto whispered. I glanced at him then lowered my eyes. 

“I’ll be right back, no longer than an hour.” I stated, standing up, “Don’t let anyone in, okay?” I glanced at him. He nodded swiftly, watching as I left. 

Did I? Did I really almost kiss him? I can’t stay this close to him, I can’t. I felt myself flush at the thought of holding his hand and laying a soft kiss on his pink lips, telling him that it’ll all be okay…

Though, I don’t think he needs me. I’m only going to break his heart. I couldn’t do that. I hate romance so much, I don’t know how to deal with my own feelings, much less love. 

I held my chest as I walked through the crowd. The city was always crowded, I lived in one of the major cities. The convoluted alleyways his the C gang well. They lived in them, thrived off them. 

I was no different, this city raised me up from nothing. The inner workings of this city were just as dirty as any other. I’ve learned the prettier it looked, the more volatile it really was. 

The skies were clear, bright blue flooding the sky. The sun just as relentless as any other hot summer day. 

I made my turns into the labyrinth of alleyways, quickly being able to find my way into the C gang’s current residence. 

“Hanae.” I called out informally. She jumped a bit. He hair was down so I assumed she wasn’t expecting to meet anyone today. 

She tucked some behind her ear, standing up. “Yuki… what are you doing here today?” She sighed, holding her hand over her chest. 

“I’m here because yesterday. That fucking delinquent harassed Koko yesterday.” I crossed my arms, almost glaring at her. Her eyes narrowed in return and a horrifying grin crossed her face. 

“It seems you’re growing awfully fond of ‘Koko’. He told me you only met five days ago.” She crossed her arms, turning back to her mirror and taking out her gaudy earring. 

I flushed, “I meant Koto.” I muttered. Did I really just call him Koko? What are we, in second grade?!

“Aha~, I’m sure you did. Anyways, closeted homosexuality aside, Kotora told me about it earlier today. I just finished dealing with it. Impeccable timing, really.” She hummed, putting the gold down and turning to me. I felt myself grow heavily annoyed at her false accusations.

“You’re a pain to deal with. Seriously, how could I have ever dated you?” I muttered, crossing my arms. She walked past me, pushing her way into a set of double doors.

“I believe we had cute nicknames too! Mine was Hana and you were…” she glanced at me from over her shoulder. I rolled my eyes, “We were children.” My fingers tapped against my arms. 

“I think you’re looking for… Yuui?” She giggled, going through her clothes. “I don’t have time for reminiscing. I have somewhere to be. All I came here for was—“ “Kotora?”. My eyes lowered. What a witch. 

“Kotora.” I mumbled bitterly. Mori smiled.

“You have a crush, admit it. Whenever you say his name, your eyes, they soften. It used to happen when you would hear my name, you know.” She smiled warmly.

“Move on. I don’t need you to keep mourning for me.” She pulled out a red dress. “Maybe try starting with Kotora.” Mori laid out the dress as she looked through her closet some more. 

She sighed heavily, “Maybe he can teach you some manners.”. I scoffed, “Looks like you could use some. I’m leaving.” I tapped my foot. 

“Bye, have fun with Koko.” She chuckled, pulling out a pair of thin, strappy black heels.

I can’t be falling for him. He isn’t my type. Im just here to protect him. It’s like any other job. Just like any other job.


	5. I needed to treasure it.

Koto was curled up on my couch, watching my television while he waited. I watched him as I closed the door behind me. He looked towards me and smiled, sitting up, “Welcome home!” He chuckled softly. 

I wouldn’t mind being greeting by him like this everyday. 

“Thanks… Sorry I took so long.” I sighed softly, walking over to sit next to him. He leaned his head on my shoulder and I flushed, looking at him as he let out a heavy sigh. 

“You should, I was bored that whole time! Where did you go?” He smiled, glancing up at me. I licked my lips, turning my gaze away.

“To talk to Mori.” I muttered simply. He lifted his head, his face turning red.

“What’d she say?” He twiddled his fingers, biting his lip. I patted his head, “Nothing too weird.” I let out a heavy sigh. Koto stood up. Well, more like hopped up, pulling me with him.

“Let’s go out!” He smiled. I narrowed my eyes, “I- I thought I told you I wasn’t…” I trailed off, net even being able to say the word. He flushed, letting out a small gasp.

“N-no! Not like that! N-not that I don’t want to, j-just… Ugh! I meant like… T-To go eat or something!” He stuttered, covering his face. I snickered.

“Sounds awfully like a date, Koto…” I grinned. He shook his head, crouching down, covering his increasingly red face, “T-That’s not what I meant, Yuki!!” He yelled out. I felt myself stop, raising an eyebrow. Only Mori calls me that name anymore. 

“Yuki?” I asked, my grin widening. He must’ve talked with her a lot if he picked that up. He let out a loud whine, shaking his head. 

“I meant Fuyuki! Nakahara!!” He fell back on his butt, hugging his knees close. I could see his ears and they were as red as cherries. I let out a small laugh. He was so cute…

I sighed, smiling as I watched him peek at me. His eyebrows furrowed angrily and cheek puffed out. I nodded, “Alright, let’s go hang out.” I smiled, holding my hand out. He looked away but took my head.

“Seriously, how did I fall for someone like you…?” I heard him whisper with a whiny tone. I shrugged, “I guess it was my good looks.” I winked. He shook his head, “Definitely not.”. 

I pouted jokingly as I walked to the door. Koto followed closely behind, gripping my shirt.

“Hey.” He whispered. I glanced back at him as I grabbed my keys, “Yeah?” I mumbled. 

His lips parted a bit as he licked them, hesitating to speak, “… Is it okay if…” he trailed off, looking away shyly. His eyes met mine and I felt my chest stir. I wanted to… just be close to him. Only then would I be able to stay calm.

I waited for a second before turning my head away. 

“Is it okay if you what?” I asked opening the door. He let out a shy giggle, “If I stay the night? I don’t… know if I could sleep in my own home, knowing that his room is right next to mine. It makes me feel so sick…” He let go of my shirt. 

Oh… “I said you could. I promised to keep you safe, right?” I smiled at him. He let out a small, weak laugh, nodding.

“Just… please, tell me if I’m bothering you…” His head was low and he held his hands together. I watched him as his eyes shifted from one thing to another. He was seriously cute!

“Smile more. It’s bothering me that you’re so sad all the time, Koto…” I ruffled his hair a bit. He flushed and lowered his head, “And one more thing…” He trailed off. I hummed a bit, leading us outside my apartment.

“Can I call you Yuki?” He smiled. The only word that came to mind when I saw his face was… Dork. I let out a chuckle, “Call me whatever you like, Koto.” I smiled. I wouldn’t mind more people using that name. 

“Oh, in that case, can I call you tonight?” He winked. I rolled my eyes, feeling my face heat up slightly, “That doesn’t work, you’re already staying the night.” We walked down the stairs after I finished locking all the locks on my door. 

He laughed, “Okay, then…” he trailed of, thinking for something to say. “If you say something perverted, I’m kicking you out.” I quickly added. He flushed, “I think you’re the perverted one.” He mumbled quietly as we made it to the bottom. I chuckled.

“Maybe.” I kept my eyes forward. He flushed red and huffed. He was still flustered.

We ended up eating at some fast food chain, talking about school life. I learned that he had a lot of good friends. I wouldn’t be surprised, he seemed like the social type. 

He kept smiling, it never was a sad moment with him. His smile seemed so bright and full of life. He would jump around and cling to me a bit when we walked. He was energetic, affectionate and he would be willing to listen to me ramble about stuff. He was so nice to be around. 

He pulled me along the street, soft hand tightly holding me, giggling as he brought me through complex but shop ridden alleyways. 

“Where are we going?” I asked for the fourth time, sighing heavily. Koto shook his head, “You’ll see, you’ll see!!” He laughed, picking his pace. “It’ll be cool, I promise!” He smiled toothily, hand tightening around mine. 

I sighed heavily, not being able to help but laugh softly. I hadn’t been with someone like him for a long time. I haven’t sat down and just mindlessly talk with someone. I’ve never been with someone who made me feel so much better, like my depression and paranoia didn’t exist. I don’t think I’ve looked over my shoulder once while we were out, like I forgot that habit existed. 

Koto finally turned into a shop, giggling as he pushed open the door, letting go of my hand and skipping in. It was a simple jewellery shop though, many raw crystals were laid about. Maybe a small business but the jewellery looked very well made.. I heard a sudden clatter, yelp and laugh. When I turned my attention on Koto, he was behind the counter, hugging someone tightly, lifting his feet off the ground. 

“Thank you for finishing it so fast!!” He laughed, pulling back from the person.

They looked to be very ambiguous. A simple black face mask, preventing me from seeing their face, bleach blond hair with brown at the roots and big, light brown eyes. They laughed and pulled back, “It was really simple and business has been slow these past few days!” Their eyes shifted to me and they leaned closer to Koto, “Who’s that?”.

Koto climbed up, over the glass counter, “My… friend, Fuyuki!” His eyes watched mine, as if asking if it was true. I nodded, giving them a small wave. “This is Kaede.” Koto swing his hands towards them as if he was proudly showing off. They waved back, “It’s nice to meet you!” They immediately turned their eyes back on Koto, “Anyways, where have you been?! I haven’t seen you for nearly a week.” They leaned over the counter. 

Koto let out a small, disingenuous chuckle, “I’ve been busy…” he spoke lowly, trying to stand confidently, “I promise I’ll visit tomorrow! Hurry! Get my stuff, oldie!” Koto changed the subject quickly, glancing at me.

Kaede nodded, “I’ll get your stuff and be right back!” They cheered, walking back, disappearing behind the red curtain behind them. Koto started smiling like an idiot as he curled his fingers together, looking around and rocking back and forth on his heels impatiently. I hummed a bit, amused. I leaned back on the wall behind me and after a few more seconds, Kaede came back from behind the curtain, holding a bundle of thick string and something that was shiny and blue-green. 

Koto nearly squealed as he hoped over, pulling it right from Kaede’s hands. They let out a surprised “Oh!”. 

“Ah! Its so pretty! Thank you so much, Kaede!” He smiled and turned to me with a massive grin. 

He walked over to me and held out what looked to be a brown suede bracelet with some sort of small and rough gemstone attached. I looked up at him with surprise. Had he gotten this made for me?

I could see his face reddening, “H-Hey, don’t think too much of it, all my good friends have one…” he muttered, looking away, “So take it. As thanks.”. I felt my face start to burn as I took it from him, sliding it on. It was a little big but a comfortable fit. 

“Thank you, Koto…” I laughed, nervously. He nodded, looking at it, “It was kind of expensive. Real topaz, you know!” Koto glanced back at Kaede and waved, “Thank you again, Kaede! I’ll call you tomorrow!”. They nodded, “You better, Tokei!” They hollered as we left. I laughed a bit as Koto stuck His tongue out. 

By the time we made it back to the streets, the sky had shifted to a soft orange and pink. 

“Hey, can we drop by my home and pick up some stuff?” He smiled at me. I nodded, “Yeah.” I crossed my arms. Koto had gone unusually silent and his gaze was focused on the ground. I had to stop him from running into things and people. He had apologised each time and it lead me to worry. What was with the sudden shift in attitude?

After a little bit, we made it to his home. Koto lived in a really nice neighbourhood with a decent sized home. He brought me in and lead me straight up the stairs.

The house had smelled amazing, like a home cooked meal was being made. There was barking and baby babbling. The house seemed really full and happy. It perfectly reflected how Koto had acted. He probably had a really good like until Naoki had decided to do what he did. 

It was absolutely infuriating knowing that such a horrible person could originate from such a cheerful environment. 

Koto lead me into his room. It was pretty decorated. Fairy lights lined the roof, the walls painted a dark purple and bedsheets were white. The walls were covered in posters and artworks from various musicians, anime and even games. Quite the otaku… It showed how innocent he really was.

Koto scrambled through his closet, getting a few pairs of clothes into a bag. Had he planned to stay for the weekend? 

“Your room is nice.” I smiled, leaning against the door. Koto glanced at me and smiled, tucking some soft, white hair behind his ear, only for it to slowly fall back into place. 

“It’s a bit embarrassing, huh?” He laughed softly, standing up and pulling the bag over his shoulder. I shook my head, “No, it’s cute.” I nodded, scanning the room once more. It also smelled so sweet. Did he just sweat the strawberry scent? 

He walked out of the room and into the bathroom, grabbing his toothbrush and body wash. He did use strawberry body wash!!!

“Alright! I think that’s it.” He let out a sigh and smiled at me. His lips looked soft… 

“Cool, let’s go…!” I smiled awkwardly. He nodded a bit, leading the way out. As we walked down, I glanced into the dining room. A big family sat at the table, laughing and eating as the conversed. Had they even noticed Koto?

We left without a word from them. And without a word from Koto… He was quiet the whole time. 

“Hey, Koto.” I called out. He looked up from the ground, eyes meeting mine as he hummed, still walking with me. 

“Are you okay?” I sighed softly, furrowing my eyebrows. He nodded, turning his gaze low again, “Yeah…” he chuckled, “Just a little tired.” He played with the hem of his shirt. 

I slid my hand with his, flushing red as I did, “Alright, a-as soon as we get back, we’ll get to bed, okay?” I offered, barely even being able to keep my sentence straight. This was to comfort him. Make him feel safe. 

His happiness was beautiful. I needed to treasure it. He was beautiful…


	6. His birthday.

He held the knife close to the apple, deciding if its worth accidentally cutting himself or not. 

“Ow!” He hissed, catching my attention. I peered over the counter from the couch, narrowing my eyes as I saw a few drops of blood on the counter. 

“Be careful…” I mumbled, getting up and helping his clean his cut in the sink. He laughed softly, nodding.

“Y-Yeah, sorry.” He bit his lip, staring at his cut.

“And don’t do that either. You’ll irritate the cut on your lip.” I instructed. Koto nodding again, glancing at the knife and his apple. I turned off the water and walked over to one of the drawers, pulling out a bandaid, handing it to him. He took it as I wiped down the counter free of his blood. 

He was quiet as I finished cutting his apple for him. I glanced at the clock. It was nearing eleven. We only got back thirty minutes ago and Koto barely said a thing. 

“Seriously, Koto. Are you okay?” I asked, putting the knife down as I stared at the apple slices. Koto nodded, “Yeah, of course. You’re here, aren’t you?” He laughed softly, still looking at the ground.

I narrowed my eyes, glancing at him. He wouldn’t look at me. Why wouldn’t he? What’s wrong with him?

“… If I wasn’t here, would you have stopped at your finger?” I asked and I could see him reel back a bit at my question. That’s all I needed. 

I pulled him close, hugging him tightly. He sniffled, “Stop babying me.” Koto mumbled but his grip on my shirt said other wise. I buried my nose in his soft, sweet smelling hair, “No.” I mumbled. He shook his head, pulling back. Koto looked up at me. His eyes were filled with big tears that threatened to spill at any second. 

His eyes were so sweet, they were still so innocent. He was such an innocent kid…

I gripped his cheeks and his tears fell. Koto’s eyes lowered and he pulled back, wiping his tears. 

“I think I’m going to go to bed…” He trembled, crossing his arms. I shook my head, “No, not yet.” I mumbled, grabbing his arm before he could walk away.

“What’s wrong, Koto? I need to know so I can try to help you, okay?” I offered, trying to give him my most sympathetic look. His eyes met mine again.

He shook his head, “I-I…” he started, gnawing at his lip. I grabbed his chin and pressed my lips on his forehead.

“Don’t bite your lip, Koko, it’ll bleed again.” I mumbled. As I pulled back, I saw his reddening face and he sniffled, wiping his tears. 

“Koko?” He mumbled, looking away. I felt my eyes widen a bit. Seriously, where did ‘Koko’ even come from? I let out a small huff, nodding. Fuck it.

“Yeah, Koko.” I pulled him into a loose hug, “It’s okay, I’m right here.” I whispered. He sniffled and let out a small shuttering gasp.

“I-… I feel so gross…” he said just below his speaking voice, nuzzling close to me. I pet his hair, biting my tongue harshly. I’m so sorry. 

“I don’t feel like I’m good enough…” he whispered, hugging me tightly. I’m so fucking sorry. 

“I never was good enough, not for my family, not my friends, not even you…” he cried out, “I can’t have any of these things, I’m a soul without any worth.” He held me as close as possible to his trembling body. 

“I’m sorry…” I finally whispered. I understood him more than he knew. More than I wanted him to know. 

“You didn’t do anything, it’s all my fault—“. I pulled back, “No, it’s not. I wasn’t fast enough and I hesitated to save you from such a horrible experience. I didn’t ever mean for any of this to happen and maybe if I didn’t exist, you would still be happy, Kotora.” I let out a shallow breath.

“If you didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have ever been happy, Yuki.” He lowered his head, wiping his tears as they feel, “If you hadn’t told me to smile I feel like I would have ever known the meaning.” He whispered. 

I bumped back into the counter, sliding down it and sitting, holding my head in my hands. Koto leaned down on his knees and I quickly pulled him into my lap, hugging him closer.

“You were good enough for me.” I whispered softly, hugging him close to my chest. He tensed up for a bit, glancing up at me with puppy dog eyes. I smiled a bit, petting his hair. He laid he head on my chest, taking deep breaths as he fixed his breathing. 

We sat close together for a few minutes, me combing his hair with my fingers as he buried his head in my shirt. Eventually, he ended up falling asleep. He didn’t even eat his apples. 

I carefully picked him up, holding his sleeping body close to mine. He didn’t wake. He must’ve been exhausted.

I laid him down in my bed, covering him up, petting his head softly before gathering some clothes and going to shower. 

I held him close to me that night. I held him so tightly. Like a lifeline. 

When I awoke from another mindless dream, Koto was still in my arms, on his phone. I glanced over his shoulder. He was texting someone. I decided not to read what the messages said and instead, I nuzzled his neck, taking a small breath. 

“Morning.” I whispered and I could feel him jump a bit, glancing behind his shoulder. 

He smiled at me a bit, “Good morning, Yuki…” he whispered, putting his phone down and turning his body towards me. I pulled him closer by his waist and he laughed a bit. I smiled, looking at him through my messy bangs.

“When’d you wake up?” I asked, closing my eyes, leaning my head forward, softly hitting our foreheads together. He hummed in thought, “An hour ago. I’ve been debating on whether or not on getting up,” He sat up, “but since you’re up, I can.” He rubbed his eyes and sniffled a bit.

I watched him as he slipped out of bed and into the hall. I sighed heavily, covering my face. Friends do treat other friends like this. They don’t cuddle, kiss each other’s heads and imagine how sweet they could taste.

I’m not thinking of him as a friend, am I? No, I don’t think I am. I never wanted to kiss my friends, Ive never almost kissed any of my friends or imagined pulling them close, grabbing their chin and having my heart thumping at the sight of their face growing red. Fingers curling around my shirt and blue eyes lowering to my own lips—

I shook my head, quickly sitting up. Fuck…

I got out of bed and made my way out into the hall. Koto was in the kitchen, helping himself to some cereal, glancing behind him as I made my way to him. He still looked sad.

I grabbed his arm and quickly pulled him into a kiss. I can’t take this anymore. I’m so confused… All I could understand was how soft his lips were. That’s all I wanted to understand.

Koto looked at me with surprised as I pulled back. He dropped his spoon and covered his mouth as his face reddened. 

I let out a rough sigh, “I-I’m sorry… I just…” I mumbled, scratching the back of my neck. 

“… It’s okay.” He mumbled, not being able to make eye contact with me as he slowly went to pick up his spoon. I laughed nervously, crossing my arms, trying to calm my heart.

“Hey, Yuki…” he called out. I looked at him. He leaned in and kissed me softly, pulling me down to his height by my collar. I kissed him back near immediately, loving the way the shape of our lips just fit together. 

He pulled back and went back to his cereal, “A good morning, this was.” He smiled to himself, going to the dinning table. I didn’t want it to stop there…

I sat at the table, watching him as he ate, narrowing my eyes.

“What?” He laughed nervously, furrowing his eyebrows. I tried to find one flaw in him, just one. 

His hair. Soft, wavy and pure snow white. His eyes couldn’t even compare to any of the stars in the sky. His reddened lips were slicked wet and soft. His skin wasn’t pale but it wasn’t tan either. Soft. He was so… soft? His hair, skin, the way he looks at me, all soft. He was just… wonderful.

I can’t find anything about his appearance that I didn’t like. Maybe… Maybe the fact that he has a dick is a little weird but other than that!

“You’re… I think I’m…” I trailed off. 

“Gay?” He answered. I flushed red, looking down at my hands that rested on the table. “Cool, me too. Though I found out when I was seven. It’s never too late.” He smiled. 

I covered my face with hands, “I’ve never been interested in guys…” I muttered. “Do I still look too masculine?” He asked quietly.

I peeked through my fingers, “S…Still?” I asked quietly, watching his face grow red. 

“…Can I kiss you?” He mumbled quietly, looking away. 

To his surprise, I agreed, “Yeah.” I was almost eager to taste his lips again. 

He flushed and froze for a second before leaning over and placing a soft kiss on my cheek. I laughed a bit before grabbing his chin and kissing him. He let out a small surprised hum but leaned into it, pushing himself up onto the table a bit. 

We stayed like that for a few seconds, marvelling in the moment. I couldn’t stop thinking about his soft his lips where, how wet they felt, smooth they were as I moved closer, wrapping my fingers in the male’s hair. 

I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I was kissing another male and liking it. I let my tongue slip over his lip and he pulled back, flushed red. 

“I think that’s all I can take…” he whispered, fanning his red face. I couldn’t help but laugh a bit. I bit my nail, stopping myself from laughing too much. 

It was silent as my mind raced, heart thumping in my chest as I thought of him in the more romantic sense. My face was absolutely red as I did. 

Koto finished his breakfast, cleaning his dishes. It was a little unnecessary but I let him do it. 

“Hey, what do you want to do today?” I asked, playing with my bracelet. Koto let out a soft sigh, shrugging and smiling softly, “Whatever you want to do.” He sat next to me. I glanced at him smiled a bit.

“Don’t you have plans to visit Kaede?” I asked, glancing at him as I tapped my finger against the stone on my bracelet. Koto let out a long sigh.

“… Yeah.” He mumbled. I nodded, “Alright, get ready early and then we can hang out until then.” Maybe cuddle. Who knows where the wind will take us. I bit my lip a bit. 

Koto nodded, “Okay. I won’t be long.” He stood up. I nodded a bit, biting my lip as he left for the shower. 

While waiting, I changed into a good pair of clothes. Ugh, what to wear. 

I grabbed the nicest shirt. It was a black shirt… I only owned dark coloured shirt. Everything I owned was neutrally dark, we contrasted so much…

I grabbed red jeans and slid them on, feeling my energy drain a bit. I couldn’t dress up nice. I felt a little bit of nervousness creep up on me as I heard him leave the bathroom. I walked out of my room and glanced down the hall, seeing Koto still drying his hair with the towel. I watched him for a second before approaching him. 

“Hey, Koto.” I mumbled quietly. The boy jumped a bit, looking up at me and laughed a bit. 

“Hi, Yuki.” He smiled softly, bringing the towel to his shoulders. I lowered my gaze a bit, to his lips. 

“When’s your birthday?” Koto asked, out of the blue. I let my eyes go back to meet his, tilting my head a bit in question. 

“M-May … 1st...” I answered quietly, unsure of why he suddenly wanted to know. He let out a small gasp, “Oh!! Your birthday was a week ago?!” He asked, a sudden bounce in his step. I nodded. It was a little weird hearing him get excited about that. 

“What about you?” I tried to change the subject off of me. He smiled widely, “April 30th!” He cheered. I felt myself flush a bit. “I thought our birthdays were close, but not this close!” He laughed a bit. My face grew hot. 

“That’s… Wild.” I felt myself mutter. Koto hugged me tightly, “Happy belated birthday.” He mumbled. I felt my heart shatter. 

That means… That… The incident happened… just days after his birthday.Why was he so happy about this?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahaha, Koto isn’t happy


	7. How disgusting.

Koto had left nearly six hours ago. Six hours!! I bit at my nail, checking my phone as I walked through the streets. I had been texting Koto and getting no response. I had texted him thirty four times. Of course, it wasn’t all at once but I just couldn’t help it. I was worried. 

As soon as the clock hit six, I went to look for him. I had just gotten out and my first destination was the jewellery shop. I didn’t know where this person lived so this was my best bet. 

It was hard to navigate but I finally found it, quickly rushing up and trying to open the doors. They were locked. I banged on them, alerting the people shopping in other small shops. 

Kaede quickly peeked from behind that red curtain, visibly confused as they fixed their mask. They saw me and quickly rushed to open the doors, almost concern in their eyes. 

“Do you know where Koto went after he came to visit you? He hasn’t been answering my texts all day…” I asked, talking a bit too fast. I could barely keep up with my words. Kaede furrowed their eyebrows.

“Koto never came to see me… Is he okay?” They asked, tucking some hair behind their ear. I let out a small, flabbergasted laugh. 

“H-He never…” I trailed off, hiding my face in my hands. I could only think the worst. I quickly turned around and ran. 

I ran as fast as I could to Koto’s home. The only other place I could even think to go. I have no fucking clue where else to go. Where else would I know to go? There isn’t any. 

I reached his home and immediately just pounded on the door, out of breath. It took a minute for someone to answer. A small child, maybe around age 11. She looked startled and almost scared of me. 

I let out a breath, “I-Is Kotora here?” I asked. She moved her hands up and started to do gestures…? Only then I realised she was mute… 

“I- I don’t—“ I started, trying to tell her I didn’t understand sign language. She just moved her blue eyes and pointed up the stairs. Tucking some long black hair behind her ear.

He was here? I cautiously stepped in and looked around. The house was empty and the living room was playing some cartoon on the television. I could only assume she was here without her parents. 

The girl closed the door behind me and walked back over to the sofa, climbing up on it and picking up a bowl of dry cereal off the coffee table.   
I made my way up the stairs and immediately walked into Koto’s room. He wasn’t there. I let out a small huff shaking my head. I thought I was lied to until I heard a bang against the wall. I jumped a bit but recognised the location. That was Naoki’s room. 

I ran into the room, nearly breaking the door down. Koto was sitting on the ground, head in his arms, knees close to his chest. The room itself was messy. Clothes and convenience food wrappers everywhere. Even beer cans. It smelled disgusting.

“He brought me back and threatened to hurt me again if I didn’t stay.” He spoke quietly. I felt my heart sink as I walked over to him. He curled up more, burying his head. I stopped, watching him for a second.

Koto looked up at me. His left eye was just a giant bruise, lip busted open, dried blood on his head, staining his beautifully white hair. I felt my whole body flare with slight anger then it immediately died down as soon as his eyes looked away. 

“He didn’t rape me. He threatened to but didn’t. He just sat me down and told me all the things he wanted to do to me and I realised I’d always be disgusting.” Koto let out a small sigh, resting his chin on his knees. I just sighed heavily, moving to sit next to him. 

Koto leaned his head against my arm, staying silent. 

“When I was just a little bit younger than you, maybe fifteen, I killed someone for the first time, then someone else immediately after.” I started, leaning my head on his carefully. Koto tensed up a bit but just let out a big sigh. 

“Her name was Keiyane. She was a year younger than me. I was raised along side her while I was being experimented on.” I sighed softly, curling my fingers in his hair, “Though, I was for strength, they did a whole bunch of different tests and she was apart of the study if telekinesis existed. She could levitate living things. We were forced to fight and I went too far and broke almost all of her bones. When I killed her that day, I think I killed myself off with her. It almost seemed unfair. The fight was so one sided. But I was taught that I should never get close to someone, no matter what. I felt so worthless. I still kinda do but it gets so much better. I met someone so amazing and even when we went through heartbreak, we were still close.” I explained, kissing his head. 

“Just don’t lose yourself. Don’t lose your smile. It’s so beautiful. No one should be able to take that away from you, Koko.” I looked at him. 

Koto looked up at me and sniffles a bit, huddling close to me, nuzzling my arm. I moved it and pulled him under my arm, rubbing his. 

“There are never happy endings, are there?” Koto asked, his tone flat. I narrowed my eyes as I leaned my head back. 

“No.” I answered, “There aren’t any bad endings either. We still have each other.” I pulled him close to me. Koto nodded, “And that’s all I could’ve ever hoped for, Yuki…” He whispered. I smiled a bit, moving my head down to lean on his. He swung his legs across my hips and just nuzzled my ribs. 

I pulled him into my lap, hugging his small body close. He held his hands close to his chest, letting out a shaky sigh. 

“I wanna go home.” He whispered under his breath, furrowing his eyebrows as he sniffled. 

“I can take you to your room.” I offered, hugging his body against my chest. He shook his head, “I mean to my parents, Fuyuki.” He stated. I felt my chest tighten. 

I could sympathise with him. I wasn’t even sure of my true parents and my real name but it never stopped me from wanting. 

“What happened?” I asked quietly. I could hear Koto chuckle softly, as if I asked something funny. 

“My father committed suicide because his business went under and my mother followed. I found them the next morning, sleeping pills and vomit and alcohol everywhere. I’ll never forget that smell, what my mother’s eyes looked like as she stared back at me… I couldn’t help but think it was my fault because they did everything… everything for me..” He laughed, self deprecatingly, biting his lip. I could hear him hiss as his teeth harshly pulled at the already damaged flesh. 

I curled my hand in his hair, petting it softly. That must’ve been hard to deal with but it was extremely selfish on his parent’s part. 

“You’re such a good kid, Koto.” I whispered, kissing his head, “It’s not your fault.” I nuzzled his dishevelled hair. I could still smell the blood on him, ugh. 

“I… I know that now, I guess.” He hummed softly, looking up at me. I kissed his head. It felt kind of weird just holding him like this. This is the first time in a year I’ve felt so close to someone. 

Koto’s eyes downcast and he closed them. A small sigh left his lips. 

“What happened to Naoki?” I asked quietly. Koto stayed silent for a second, “… He left a while ago, telling me to stay put while he got something from the convenience store.” Koto shrugged. 

“Why did you?” I was curious. This guy tormented him barely a week ago and apparently beat him not even a few hours ago. Why the hell would he listen. 

“I was scared of what he would do if he caught me again so… I compromised with myself.” He mumbled, opening his eyes slightly, “Even if he was going to hurt me again. I think I’d be…” he trailed off, looking away from me. Did he think he was going to be… again?

“Why would you do that to yourself?” I hugged him tightly, “Why didn’t you text me back, I could’ve come and gotten you.”. Koto sat up and crawled out of my lap, pulling something out from under the bed. He showed me the cracked and bent phone that used to belong to him. He smiled half-heartedly, “Sorry.” He whispered, “I was helpless again.”.

I looked at it and let out a huge sigh, “Why you?” I asked to myself, looking at the male as he shifted to sit against the bed. 

“… Because my hair is the same colour as his dead sister’s.” He responded, “He’s disgusting.” Koto looked away. I felt my stomach churn. This guy just loves his incest, huh? 

I stood up and held my hand out. Koto waited for a second, staring at it before giving in and gripping my hand tightly, pulling himself up. He quickly wrapped his arms tightly around my own.

“Thank you so much, Yuki.” Koto whispered, keeping his eyes low. I ruffled his already messy hair.

“Don’t thank me. I couldn’t protect you today…” I whispered, guiding us out and down the stairs. Koto’s grip loosened and soon, his fingers curled with mine as we went down the stairs. 

The door suddenly opened and as soon as my eyes met that of the vicious stranger, something clicked. I felt Koto’s grip tighten and he pulled me back. As that strange static feeling flowed through my entire body. 

“Y-Yuki, stop—“ Koto pleaded, trying to pull me back up the stairs. The stranger stood frozen. I glanced back at Koto and he shook his head, gripping my sleeve as tight as he could. He looked like he was about to cry. 

I let out a huge huff, grabbing Koto tightly and pulling him out the door, shoving Naoki against the door as hard as I allowed my power to. I could hear him lose his breath a bit but grab me anyways. 

“Where… do you think you’re going… with Koto?” He asked. He was grinding his teeth. I felt myself grip Koto’s shoulder tightly. 

“Y-Yuki, it’s okay, let’s just leave. Please.” Koto gripped me tightly. I harshly shook off Naoki and let to of Koto. 

“I’m going to talk with him. Start heading over to my place, okay, Koko?” I whispered in his ear. He flushed and shook his head, “Id much rather you come w-“. I covered his lips with my finger, smiling at him. 

“I’ll only be a second.” I nodded, pushing him gently. He looked weary but followed my instructions anyways. 

Naoki tried to grab Koto but I pushed the bitch back. Koto jumped a bit, trembling slightly but continued to walk. 

I waited a moment before speak. I finally got a good look at his face. Shaggy black hair almost covered it, tired blue eyes staring me back with the same hatred I showed him. 

“Why Kotora?” I asked firmly, standing tall. Naoki scoffed, trying to walk past me. I grabbed his arm tightly and I could hear him his. 

“Answer me, Tokei.” I muttered, a bitter tone overtaking me. Naoki glared at me a bit, parting his lips as if he had something to say to me. His eyes lowered a bit and a small breath left him as he stopped struggling. I let him go, feeling my glare tighten. 

“He’s cute. I couldn’t help myself.” He smiled at me toothily, “You’d understand right?” Naoki let out a breathy chuckle and I felt my features turn sour. He was just disturbed. 

“What about your dead sister? What’d you want with her?” I asked, using the blunt tone that Koto had used in the room earlier. His eyes lowered. 

“… Koto would love to suck your cock, to just gulp it down with his sweet tongue. You just gotta as—“ I felt my fist collide with his face as hard as I could muster without my power. He fell over and he held his nose, blood gushing out of his face. “Don’t be disgusting. Leave Koto alone.” I shook my fist a bit. That’s gonna bruise. 

I heard a sick chuckle. He looked up at me, “You can’t fucking blame me, can you?” Naoki showed no remorse. “I can. I do. You’re disgusting…!” I kicked his side roughly. He let out a gasp for air, trying to stay up on his knees. 

“Of course I am. I raped my cousin by blood…” He cackled. I kicked him again and he fell over. I leaned down and gripped his hair. 

“What did Hanae do with you? Warn you? Slap you on the fucking wrist?” I growled, pulling his head back a bit to far. He winced and gasped for air. A small grin appeared on his face.

“S-She said that if I were to touch… look… breath in the direction of Kotora… She would cut off my dick and feed it to the dogs. She then stabbed me, the place you were kicking… and told me it’d get a lot worse if I touched him.” He laughed, holding his side. 

I let out an angry huff, kicking him again. He hissed, finally laying back in the grass, looking up. “Go t-tattletale to Hanae.” He muttered, “I got what I wanted.” He laughed softly. I felt my heart twist and my gaze shifted away from him. 

“You’ll never find yourself any happiness.” I muttered bitterly and I walked away from the bleeding man. 

How disgusting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. Naoki will never be redeemable. Fuyuki is an idiot. Koto is losing his will to live again. Hanae is trying. Man I’m bad at writing lmAO  
> Also I told Red this would be out Sunday. I think it’s technically Sunday. It’s 03:25 for me oops. Also, I have no one to proof read ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯


	8. On the bridge

I caught up to Koto and we walked to my home silently. 

Opening the door and entering my home, I immediately hugged him tightly. Koto jumped a bit but relaxed. I could feel his hands wrap around my waist, pulling me against him loosely. I let myself sigh heavily, trying to untangle all the stress in my chest. 

I pulled back, “I-I’m sorry.” I said, letting my fingers slide off from his shoulders. Koto’s despondent eyes lead up to mine and he just stared at me, not finding any words. I could see his lips part but they quickly closed. His sapphire eyes lowered. 

I felt my chest tighten and all the stress I had straightened out when we hugged came back ravenously. I let my breath get uneven for a second.

“It’s not your fault, Fuyuki. It’s not. It’s just… not.” Koto mumbled, keeping his head lowered, “Stop saying you’re sorry. It’s… This is all my problems and now they’re being thrown onto you.” His voice was low and I could hear his tone starting to crack. 

My eyes closed and I took a shaky breath, my eyebrows furrowing. ”Koto.” I called out and his eyes met mine, eyes half lidded with shame. 

“What?” He asked, cowering away from my gaze. His fingers twiddled a bit, his teeth biting into his lip, opposite of the cut. “Okay… go take a shower. Relax and clean up your cuts. I-I can help you bandage them if you need me to. Just… We’ll talk about this after you get out.” I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to loosen my tense muscles. 

Koto’s eyes shifted down and he nodded, “Fine… I’ll… I’ll do that.” The white haired boy mumbled, holding his hands together. I sighed softly, nodding. Koto stared at me for a second with his sad eyes. I felt my heart twist and turn as Koto walked away.

Why did this suddenly get so complicated. I just want to protect him. He won’t fight for himself, he won’t speak his mind, he won’t let me help him. I almost felt terrified. I was scared of something happening to him, again. What’s wrong with me? 

I waited on the sofa, biting at my nails. I was worrying over nothing, Koto will be fine. He’ll be fine, right? Koto…ra, Kotora will be okay. 

Koto isn’t okay… I cant lie to myself like this, he needs help. If we go to the police about this, everyone in the C gang is at risk and it’s not just bad people that work for them. So many good people. If I killed someone… Someone like Naoki, I don’t even know how it’d affect Koto and how he would think of me afterwards. But if it was to protect Koto... I don’t want to kill, I just can’t. I can’t anymore. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…

“…can’t, I can’t, I can’t—“. “Fuyuki?” Koto called out quietly. I shut up and my eyes darted to his. He looked a bit confused as he hid behind the wall, no shirt on. 

I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t hear the shower turn off. He held clean bandages in his hands and I noticed his hands were a bit red. I furrowed my eyebrows. “I-I need help with the cut on my side, I j-just can’t… wrap it.” He stuttered, stepping into full view. He brought his light pink shirt and I could finally see the huge gash on his waist. When did that happen? Was that today?

I let out a soft breath and nodded, getting up and walking to him. My fingers touched his hand and I could see it reel back a bit. I winced and closed my eyes tightly, waiting a second. I felt his shaky fingers hand over the roll and gauze. 

I waited for a second before wrapping the wound, letting my fingers slide around his warm skin a bit longer than acceptable. 

The male slid on his shirt, letting out a tiny, pained breath. I stood in front of him, eyes softened as I watched him adjust his shirt. I wanted to hug him but I couldn’t. 

He was cut, bruised, destroyed. I wanted to kiss him again but that’s stupid. I shouldn’t have done it the first time. I couldn’t even imagine what he was thinking. I didn’t notice the look in his eyes at first but I do now. Koto feels utterly disgusting. Every time I touch him, he’ll flinch. Every time I see him smile, it’s so sad. I have never seen him truly, genuinely happy. Have I?

“Thank you, Fuyuki.” He sniffled, letting out the shakiest breath. I nodded a bit, watching as he went to sit on the sofa. He shifted to sit but ended up laying down, staring off. He looked so empty. I should just leave him be for right now. 

I made my way to my room, my mind feeling like a garbled mess of emotions. I pulled out my phone as I stood against the wall, immediately dialing Hanae’s number. 

“I’m a little busy here!” Hanae immediately answered. After she spoke I could hear a sickening squelch, following a scream. I felt my whole body churn with nauseousness. I could guess what she was doing. 

“I-I’ll call at another time, then.” I muttered quietly, immediately hanging up. Fuck. I don’t have anyone besides Hanae and I’m starting to pay for it. I buried my face in my hands as I dropped my phone, sliding to sit down. I’m so useless. I can’t even take care of myself. 

My heart thumped in my chest and I felt my throat start to hurt. I let out a breath, curling up, holding my knees against my chest.

“…Yuki?” I heard Koto’s sweet voice. I looked up at him from my arms. His eyes were watering. I sat up straight and sniffled, “Wh-What’s wrong, Koto?” My hands pushed me up and against the wall properly as my leg straightened out. 

Koto’s tears fell after a few seconds of silence, lip twitching as he thought of something to say. 

“I- I’m so sorry…” he whimpered out, looking away and walking off. I was stunned for a second but I came to my senses swiftly, “K-Koto, wait!” I called out and chased after him. I reached my arm out to him but swiftly stopped as I saw him tense up, waiting for my fingers to make contact with his skin. 

“W-Why?” I asked, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. Koto turned to look at me and immediately looked away, crossing his arms tightly. “… I’m such a burden on you. You can’t say I’m not because I know, Yuki.” Koto’s breath shuttering a bit as he spoke, “I don’t want… I don’t want to do that to you.” He whispered quietly. I let out a lost breath.

“You can’t do any worse to me, Ko, not by a long shot.” I let my hands ball up, “So, it’s okay. You don’t have to apologise. I don’t know what to do, I-I’m stuck here. I care for you, you’re a good friend and- and… I’m just scared of being alone.” I let out a half-hearted smile. 

Koto walked forward, leaning his head against my chest, “I guess we have the same fears, then.” He whispered, sniffling. I patted his head, brushing his damp hair with my fingertips. 

“It’s okay, Kotora.” I could feel him stiffen at the use of his full name. “…Koko.” I mumbled quietly. The boy pulled back, laughing softly as he wiped away his tears. 

“…I-I’m curious…” He sniffled, trying his best to smile. I nodded a bit, listening to him speak. 

“Why “Koko”?” He laughed softly, still trying to clean his tears away. I let myself laugh nervously, “I-I usually like to call people by nicknames. Hanae used to just be Hana, Keiyane was just Kei…” I trailed off, smiling a bit as I recalled fond memories.

Koto laughed softly, sniffling again. “Anyone else?” He mumbled. I shook my head, “No…” I laughed, wallowing in my loneliness. Koto hummed, laughing with me. 

“Yuki…” He sniffled, looking up me. I hummed in question, just wanting to curl my fingers in his hair and bring him close. 

“What did you and Naoki talk about?” The young boy rubbed his eyes, finally being able to stop his tears. 

I let out a rough sigh, “It’s not all that important.” I responded plainly. He looked dissatisfied with my answer as his eyes lowered. “I mean, I punched him. That felt really good.” I sighed heavily, smiling at him. Koto’s head lowered, “I was… wondering why your hand was all red…” he sniffled. I looked down at my right knuckles and sighed, seeing he was right. 

My knuckles were bruised a beautiful shade of pink and red. I could see the concern on Koto’s features as he finally got a good look at my hand. A small laugh left me, “I hit him so hard…” I bit my lip. Koto seemed uncomfortable as he grabbed my wrist, sliding his soft fingers over my knuckles. I felt my body jerk back reflexively.

Koto jumped, as I did. “Th-That hurt.” I pulled my hand back, “I guess I overdid myself.” I gave an airy laugh. Koto’s eyes stayed low, on my hand. 

“D-Don’t do it again, okay? I don’t want you getting hurt because of me…” His eyes met mine and I just stared into his mess of blue. His pained, sad eyes quickly trailing down again. 

I grabbed his chin and sighed softly, catching his attention again. The boy just stared at me, helplessly. I stayed like that for a second, feeling my heart start to flutter. 

“Yuki?” He asked, voice quiet. I tensed up a bit and looked away, pulling my hand back, “S-Sorry.” I whispered, “You just haven’t been… I haven’t been able to— ugh. Your- your eyes. They’re just really pretty.” I tried to get my thoughts straight. I could see Koto’s face turn red. 

He stared back at me, parting his reddened lips slightly. Instead of saying anything, Koto looked away. The silence was almost deafening…

“Listen…” Koto whispered, lip trembling. I felt my heart drop as I heard his voice. It was trembling. He was trembling. “I- I know you’re… It’s too much for me. Right now, touching me, looking at me, thinking of me… in a wrong way… I can’t… I’m sacred.” He let out a huff, eyes meeting mine. 

I retracted my hand. “I-I’m sorry…” I whispered, lowering my gaze to the floor but I met his eyes suddenly, “B-But I would never… I don’t think I could even possibly think of you… i-in that way…!” I tried to cover up my embarrassment. Koto wasn’t laughing this time. His eyes stayed on the ground as he nodded. 

“… I’m sorry, that was inappropriate…” I mumbled quietly, covering my lips. Koto let out a soft breath, “Fuyuki, can we just… just drop it? I think I’m ready to go to bed.” He whispered.

I nodded a bit, dropping my hand, “Y-Yeah… Alright.”. Koto slept in my bed with me, not coming near me. I felt lonely.

Awoken by Koto leaving the bed, I laid down, staring at the ceiling, waiting for him to come back. He was gone a really long time. I felt the seconds eat at me as I counted them down.

346, 347, 348, 349….Yelp!

I felt myself jerk as I sat up, looking at the direction of my door. Stifled cries came from outside my room. I got up and followed the sound.

It was coming from the kitchen. I felt myself grow more concern as I rushed out. 

Blood? 

“Koto?” I asked and he suddenly jumped, crying out as he looked at me. Why… why was his arm bleeding? 

“Koto, what did you do?!” I rushed over to him, grabbing his arm. He dropped the knife and it clattered to the ground, nearly cutting me. It was the same knife he used to cut his apple a while ago. I quickly grabbed his arm, holding the cut. 

The cry he let out broke my heart. 

I brought him over to the sink, watching the blood go down the drain. It seemed never ending… I turned on the water and I couldn’t get the blood to stop as Koto cried for me to stop. We ended up going to the hospital. This cut was way too deep to not be concerning. 

He’s hit rock bottom. Again. I don’t want to meet him on the bridge again. I can’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, Koto.


	9. I don’t know,

Koto was in the hospital overnight. Nothing serious. I was worried sick, it was eating me up that I let him do that. Nothing clicked in my mind that he would hurt himself? That he had been hurting himself?

I’m such an idiot. 

His family was called up that night but only one of his guardians came to make sure he was okay. The foreign lady from the school. She didn’t seemed concerned which really bothered me. 

Of course, she still asked if he was okay, even if it was an annoyed tone. It was late and she must’ve been woken up and… and… 

The way she sighed, nodded, even rolled her eyes showed she had been through this before. She even said she had been through this before. Koto was quick to fall asleep after she showed up. The woman mentioned her name but I wasn’t listening, just trying to get Koto to fall asleep. 

I slid my phone out of my pocket, looking at the message on the screen. 

‘Is he alright?’. From Hana. Hmm, she’s still keeping tabs on me.. I glanced over at him, sleeping. I moved my gaze to his wrist, wrapped tightly. It was stained red a bit. 

I felt my body tense up as he shifted but he stayed asleep. Breathing normally, not sobbing hysterically.

‘Sure.’ Was my reply. I couldn’t really say he was. That’s not for me to decide. I put my phone down and leaned against the window sill behind me. Closing my eyes as I sighed softly. 

I felt like falling asleep. I’m so tired but I couldn’t. I don’t know why. 

My phone buzzed and I grabbed it, looking at the time before the text. It was two am. Monday. Why was Hanae texting me at two in the morning?

‘I need to talk with you, discuss next month’s debt ahead of time.’ I narrowed my eyes, leaning forward as I read her text again. This could only mean bad things.

‘Mori, you remember the rules? My rules?’ I quickly replied. My heart stopped as I saw her next words. 

‘This is serious, Nakahara. Fuck your rules. This is a serious job and just because you have a soft spot for children, shouldn’t affect the way you do the only thing you’re good for.’ 

My eyes lowered. Was hurting people really the only thing I’m good for?

I was alarmed as Koto suddenly jerked and I immediately looked over towards him. He quickly sat up, looking around, letting out trembling breaths. 

“H-Hey, hey…!” I called out, standing up. Koto’s eyes met mine and he lowered his gaze, relaxing a bit. 

“F-Fuyuki… what are you still doing here?” He asked, rubbing his eyes, sniffling. I sighed, relieved he was okay, sitting back down. 

I slid my phone onto the window sill, leaning back in my chair, smiling at him, “Wanted to make sure you were safe.” I sighed softly, bringing my hand to my mouth. The white haired boy flushed a bit but sighed, “I’m fine. You should leave.” Koto looked me in eye, dead seriousness lacing his cute face. 

I felt stunned at his sudden sharpness, “… A-Are you sure?” I asked, not really fond of the idea. I think he could tell at my hesitance.

“Yeah.” He lowered his gaze to his lap, “Your presence is overbearing anyways.” He mumbled under his breath. I stopped my movements. Was I really too much for him? I never even thought about how he felt about me. 

Am I that repulsive?

“Y-Yeah. Yeah, that makes sense.” I laughed, smiling at him. He watched me, carefully. I could feel myself start to cry but I refused to let the tears fall. 

Am I a nuisance?

Sniffling, I stood up, straightening my jacket, “Goodnight, Kotora.” I tried to ignore the pain in my chest. Koto’s eyes lowered, “Th-That… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” He mumbled quietly. 

Am I a monster?

I didn’t respond, just leaving. Koto didn’t call out for me. I was left to think. 

Monster, monster, monster, monster…

That’s all I could think about for the rest of the night…

Monster… Monster…. 

I laid back in my bed, sniffling, curled up. My fingers held onto my jacket tightly as I let out rough breaths, trying stop my thinking. 

“We’re not monsters, right?” She shifted her dark brown eyes towards me, holding her knees close to her chest. I could feel myself immediately sigh. “You really want me to answer that?” I whispered to her. Keiyane laughed softly, “No, no. I’m just doubting myself again!”.

I should’ve told her what she wanted to hear that day. That we weren’t. Even if it wasn’t true. Maybe if I said it enough, I’d believe it. 

“We’re not monsters, Kei.” I whispered to myself.

“Who’s Kei?” A sudden voice broke me out of my thoughts. I quickly sat up and looked around.

I couldn’t see anyone, it was too dark in my room. … As if on cue, my light switched on. 

A familiar set of eyes met mine and I could feel myself grow more and more confused. 

“K-Kaede?” I asked quietly. Their eyes narrowed. I could imagine, under that mask, that they were smiling. They were dressed in all black, contrasting their pale skin. 

“Kaede!” They stood from the chair they sat in, giggling a bit. I frowned, “What are you doing here?” I asked, frustration lacing my tone. 

“Hanae sent me to check up on you after you didn’t respond to her texts.” Kaede held their hands together, tilting their head, “And I see it was the right call. How is Koto? I heard you found him.” They walked closer, not giving me a second to speak.

“W-Wait! Hanae? I thought you were Kok- K-Koto’s friend…” I corrected myself, shifting to stand. Kaede watched me, “Oh, I’m… sorry for the confusion. I’m also close friends with Hanae.” They laughed.

I felt myself grow more confused. Why was Koto so entangled in this web of C gang? Everyone around him has been involved. Has the gang just dominated that many people? “Why?” I asked quietly, watching him. Kaede jumped a bit, “A-Ah, your eyes…” they pointed a bit. Metaphorical lighting formed around my fingertips, ready to release the energy. 

I relaxed, letting out a breath and rubbing my eyes a bit, “Why is Koto around so many terrible people?” I sniffled, sitting back down. Kaede watched me, staying still, “I guess it’s the people he attracts, ya’ know?” They hummed. I looked at them, their light brown eyes on my dark ones.

“Maybe.” I whispered to myself. That poor kid. 

Kaede crossed their arms, “You took Koto to the hospital, what happened?” They hummed softly, watching my face as I grimaced. It was silent for a second. 

“He cut himself again, right?” Kaede asked. It pissed me off about how casual he sounded. Koto obviously has a history of self-harm and everyone around him just seemed to look the other way! Who is taking care of him? Who worried for him?

I shouldn’t have left him. 

“He talked about you almost everyday, you know?” Kaede sat next to me, “Never did he shut up about how cool, “mysterious”, attractive… or how caring you were. I was almost jealous.” Kaede laughed, looking at his lap. I couldn’t speak. I felt embarrassed as I heard the assumptions Koto came up with. 

“He wasn’t the one who told me about Naoki. Hanae always knew who Koto was and what he meant to me. It made me so mad that you were the one holding him.” Kaede was monologuing at this point but I was eating it all up. 

“You like him.” I stared. Kaede jumped a bit, flushing. “Wow, did you pick that up on your own, good job.” They clapped, sarcastically. I rolled my eyes, feeling a bit angry. This person is so irritating. 

“Yeah, whatever.” I grumbled a bit, “What kind of friend lets him do things like that to himself anyways?” I muttered, sliding off my jacket. Kaede tsked, “You think I let him? Who’s the one that left him, alone in the hospital? Hm?” The blonde glared at me. I rolled my eyes, not wanting to admit to my mistake. 

“Checkmate, bitch.” Kaede snickered. That just rubbed salt in the wound, “He told me to leave. I didn’t leave because I wanted to.” I glared at him. I didn’t want to tell him to leave, I didn’t want to be alone, even if it was Kaede. 

“Did he call you annoying? Too noisy?” He asked, knowing the answer. Probably from experience.

“Overbearing.” I answered quietly. “Overbearing. He’s using big boy words now.” Kaede mumbled, scratching their head. I sighed softly, finally figuring out that maybe he wasn’t all that happy. Way before we even met. Way before… that. I’m guessing he never got over his parent’s death. Never forgave himself. Never got moral support he needed. Never… Never had been truly loved, cared for, nurtured. 

“Fuck…” I mumbled under my breath, sniffling as I thought about it. Kaede’s eyes watched mine, quietly. Attentively. 

“If you’re so hung up on it, go.” Kaede sighed heavily, rolling their caramel coloured eyes. I brought my hands to my face, covering my mouth as I let out quiet sobs.

Kaede patted my head, “Seriously. I’ve loved and lost and I bet you have to. Don’t let it happen again, Fuyuki.” They hummed softly. I trembled as I stood up, smiling as best as I could, “Kaede, you know him better than I do. What good would it do if I went?” I spoke loudly but my voice was trembling. Why am I crying?

Why am I still crying?

“Because. He loves you, you know? No matter how bratty he gets, even if it’s four in the morning, he’ll hug you anyways.” Kaede sighed, “I used to be that person, believe it or not. He used to love me, dearly. Platonically, obviously.” They chuckled softly, “Just cherish him, okay?” Kaede nodded, sniffling a bit. 

I couldn’t even begin to understand what he was rambling on about. What was he getting at?

They looked at me with hopefulness. I down casted my eyes, “Listen, I get it, but it’s not what you think. I don’t- I can’t reciprocate- I’m not… Koto wants nothing to do with me right now. I’m— I just… I just want him to… be happy.” I stumbled through my half-assed sentence, rubbing the back of my neck, “Even if I…” I trailed off, not sure where I was going with that.

“Even if you’re not with him?” Kaede finishes for me. I felt my face flush. “Hey, I’m here for moral support. Hanae sent me here knowing exactly how we were going to interact and fuck, she’s right. We both need to just sort it out. So, I’m offering a hand. As a friend.” Kaede stood with me.

I wiped my eyes, “Even if he doesn’t love me.” I felt my hands on my face. I thought that he loved me, up until now. I didn’t think he would lose his love. After hearing what he thought about me I learned he fell in love with an idea. It wasn’t me. 

“If you really don’t believe me, go talk with him. Ask him.” Kaede shrugged. I peeked through my fingers at him with saddened eyes.

“… T-Tomorrow. I’ll… go talk with him.” I slumped, letting my hands fall. Kaede huffed a bit, “Alright. Tomorrow’s fine.” Obviously annoyed with my decision. “If it takes you more than tomorrow to tell him you actually love him, I swear to god I will choke you with my own hands.” Kaede threw a half-hearted threat at me. 

“I-It’s not like that, I already told you.” I corrected, sighing heavily as I walked back to lean on the wall. Kaede shrugged, “Sure, alright, okay. I guess.” They rolled their eyes.

I glared at them and a thick layer of silence fell on us. 

They stood up straight, “Alright. I’m gonna leave. Sort yourself out. Get some sleep.” They straightened out their shirt, sighing. I nodded a bit, dropping my harsh look with a small, soft breath. 

Kaede took their leave, “Goodnight, Nakahara.” They mumbled, not giving me a chance to respond. I sunk back, sliding down the wall and just thinking in this dreadful silence. 

I don’t know if I can say I love him. I don’t know, I don’t… I’m scared.


	10. his gesture.

I went to school that Monday. It was the beginning of our school tests and I studied. I studied until my hair fell out, trying to forget everything else. Everybody else.

I got through the rest of school, not speaking with Koto but I passed all my tests, stressed and ecstatic. I fucking made it through those weeks of studying and frustration. Would Koto congratulate me? 

I wonder how he did. I didn’t see him at all. Not for the rest of May, not even through this June. I was disheartened and depressed about it but I tried to ignore it. 

 

Hanae watched me with irritated eyes as I talked. 

“Okay, you finally finished high school, the one goal you set yourself up with and you’re more depressed than you’ve ever been this year.” She sipped from her crystal cup filled with whiskey. 

I sunk deeper into the couch cushions, sighing heavily, “I-I just don’t know what to do with my life.” I rubbed my face and Hanae laughed. 

“If you really want to make a difference…” she trailed off. I rolled my eyes, “No, Mori.” I grumbled, rejecting her terrible job offer.

“Listen… A-After July, you’re done with us and you would have no reason to contact me and honestly…” She let out a rough sigh, “I don’t think you could be without a friend. I know you haven’t been in contact with Kaede or Koto.” She hummed softly, glaring daggers into me, knowing my isolating habits. 

I looked away, “Well, they haven’t contacted me since that night I took him to the hospital.” I mumbled to myself. Hanae rolled her eyes.

“They are both in bad places and you’re waiting for them to approach you?” The girl tsked, almost as if she was scolding me. “What if he just rejected me, Hanae?” I curled up, giving her a soft look. 

“Idiot. He, and if we’re talking about Koto, which I know we are, is your friend. Friend.” Hanae sipped from her glass, standing up. “C’mon, get your shit together. You still have this months job this week and with this much emotional baggage, you won’t do anything.” Hanae rubbed her shoulder, sighing heavily. I turned my head.

“Hana…” I mumbled quietly. The girl was taken aback by the sudden use of her nickname, giving me a shocked stare. Slowly, she sat back down, narrowing her eyes softly.

“Y-Yeah…?” She asked, voice almost sweet. 

“Am I a monster?” I finally asked, immediately regretting it. 

Hanae was silent for a couple of seconds, stunned at my sudden question. Her eyes downcast to her glass, “No, not in my eyes.” She answered, reassuringly. My chest was still aching. 

“… Thanks.” I mumbled quietly. Hanae walked over, sitting next to me, petting my hair as she pulled me into a hug. 

“Stop thinking you’re a monster. What would that make me?” She whispered softly, kissing my head. 

“A bitch…” I joked, trying to break the mood. The girl laughed softly, “Maybe.” She sniffled.

 

I cried out softly as I heard the sick sound of bones breaking as I sunk my fingers into the skull of the father, squeezing until I felt brains squelch through my fingertips. I stood up and looked down at the muscular man, sniffling and wiping my nose with my upper arm. 

Pulling back, I trembled, looking around the blood splattered family home. 

“D-Dad?”.

I snapped to my senses and turned to see a small boy, trembling and holding a huge kitchen knife to his chest.

His brown eyes met mine and he stayed for a second before crying out and charging at me. 

This was who I was intended to kill? This thirteen year old boy? Are you fucking kidding me?

I panicked and grabbed the blade, allowing it to cut into my skin, gripping the boy’s shirt. He screamed and sobbed as he tried to pull the knife back, cutting deeper into my skin. I could barely feel it.

He thrashed against me, as I threw the knife out of his grip. I watched him for a bit, until he stopped struggling, sobbing heavily as I held him by his blue pyjama shirt.

“What’s your name?” I asked quietly. The boy looked up at me as he cried.

“F-Fuck you! Die!!” He screamed at me, letting out another heartbreaking sob. 

“I’m so sorry, Masakazu.” I whispered, watching the black haired boy as he cried. I let my hands slide to his checks and then…

“Please…” The boy pleaded, “Please don’t leave me…” he cried softly. I felt myself sniffle as I grew confused at his sudden trust. 

 

Hanae handed me the envelope of money and smiled, “A pleasure.” She whispered. I snatched it and walked off, shuttering out a small sob as soon as I was far enough. I feel so gross. 

 

I scrapped at my skin until I felt a little clean, spending at least two hours in the cold shower, shivering and crying. I pulled up skin from under my nails and my fingers were bleeding profusely but they just… never felt clean. 

My eyes were low as I sniffled, drying myself off and putting on light clothing. Immediately, I curled up in bed, staring off as I relived the heinous acts I had commented just a handful of hours ago. 

When a knock echoed through my apartment, I jumped out of my skin, my heart taking off faster than I could handle. My paranoia set in as I sat up and slid back against my headboard. 

They were persistent and I finally set aside my disgusting paranoia and got up, albeit shakily. 

I peered through the peep-hole and I a huge sigh of relief left me as I saw white. 

I undid the locks and saw Koto, not smiling. Just standing, eyes low. 

“Hi…” Koto sniffled, arm’s crossed. His eyes were puffy and he frequently sniffled, wiping at his nose. 

I downcast my gaze, “I-It’s good to see you at… four in the morning.” I whispered quietly, not being able to bring myself to laugh. I’m so gross. 

Koto smiled, chuckling awkwardly, “S-Sorry. I… I just… I’m sorry. I know I’m really late on that apology but… I-I’m sorry.” He let out a heavy sigh, giving me a hopeful smile. I flushed and nodded. 

“Right now isn’t a good time…” I whispered quietly, not meeting his eyes. Koto let out a soft breath and stepped back a bit. He hesitated to speak. 

“Hanae told me… was it about…. Uh…” Koto kept trailing off, fiddling with his fingers. Hanae had told him to come over, I’m guessing. She probably scared him, knowing the witch. I let out a huge sigh. 

I stepped back and allowed him to move past me. Koto watched me cautiously for a few seconds before walking in. He smells so sweet. My face felt a little warmer as he glanced at me. 

He never smiled, leaving my anxiety to run rampant in my chest. I closed the door quickly, redoing all the locks. 

Koto sat down and rubbed his eyes, watching me as I leaned against the door. It was silent as we hopelessly stared at each other.

“Why are you here?” I managed to ask through the thick layer of screaming in my head and my burning throat, telling me not to. Koto lowered his gaze. 

He didn’t speak for a few seconds and I crossed my arms, looking away as if it was forbidden to look at him too long. I curled my fingers around my sleeves, trying to forget about the nauseous feeling in my stomach, narrowing my eyes. 

Maybe I shouldn’t‘ve spoken. 

“I was worried.” Koto mumbled quietly. It took me a while to figure out what he said. I felt my heart, which was already pound erratically, warm at his words. Maybe they even calmed me down. 

I sniffled, sliding down the door to sit, holding my knees to my forehead. 

“I-I’m glad you came.” I responded quietly. Koto nodded a bit, staring at his feet. I felt my eyes start to water again and I quickly wiped them, turning my gaze to Koto. 

I stood up and walked towards him a bit. He watched me with careful eyes. 

“C-Can I hug you?” I asked quietly. He flushed a bit, staring up at me with a worried stare. It’s like he’s trying to tell me no, I could see. His face was red and his eyes shining with a sad light, bottom lip rolled between his scarred lip. 

“… Okay. Y-Yeah…” He let his lip go and the boy nodded. I felt a small sigh of relief leave me as I fell to my knees, pulling him into a tight hug at the waist. 

I felt him tense up but he relaxed a bit, letting a hand tangle in my dishevelled hair, petting softly. I buried my face into his waist and let out a few quiet sobs, gripping his shirt. 

Koto’s slender fingers slid through my hair, humming softly, allowing us to stay like that for a long while. He was kind to me. He was so kind… 

“… Can I tell you something?” Koto had finally broken the silence. I took small breaths and sniffled, nodding as I finally loosened my grip, looking up at him. 

He finally smiled. It was soft, barely noticeable. It made my heart flutter. I let out a calmed breath, narrowing my eyes lovingly towards him, a weak smile creeping up onto my lips. Koto laughed softly, widening his pure smile as he pushed some of my hair out of my eyes. 

“Yeah?” I spoke as quietly, my voice barely audible. Crying didn’t help my sore throat, neither did talking but…

“I’ve finally found a reason to live.” He told me, curling his fingers around my cheek, caressing his fingers against my temple. I flushed softly at his insinuation, lowering my gaze as I felt my mind full with overwhelming thoughts. 

“Please don’t tell me that it’s me.” I whispered hoarsely, sliding my hand over his, nuzzling it.

Koto laughed softly, “It’s…” He laughed again, “Its you…” he nodded, kissing my head. 

“No…” I immediately disagreed, “No, Koto…” I felt myself start to cry again, gripping his hand. Koto’s smile faltered a bit, confusion on his face. 

“I’m no good… Koto, I’m- I shouldn’t… be the one.” I cried, lowering my gaze from his, leaning my head on his chest, shaking my head. ”Koto, I- I’m a killer… a murderer. I’m a monster, h-how… how can you…” I sat back, looking at him through my plethora of tears. 

“Yuki… Hanae has told me that so many times… so many times what you are. You aren’t a monster. A- A… A killer? Maybe…” He laughed, immediately quieting down as he poked fun at something he shouldn’t have, “… You could never hurt me. All you’ve done was worry a-and care and… and love... I love you, Fuyuki Nakahara… Not some stupid high school crush. Not- not puppy love, n-not…” He trailed off, taking a shuttering breath.

I felt my heart flutter as I watched him, my hand moving to cover my gaping mouth. His face was flush that night. A small smile spread across his scarred lips, showing he was being sincere. His galaxy blue eyes were narrowed, clouded with tears as he stared at my hand. 

“Fuyuki…” he wiped his eyes, “I miss you. I wish you didn’t take me so seriously that night and I know I fucked up by saying those things. I’m sorry. I wish you hadn’t have left.” Koto confessed, allowing a few tears to fall. 

My lips trembled behind my fingers and I moved my hand down to the floor, watching him as he cried out softly.

I wanted to speak. I didn’t know what I wanted to say. Maybe comfort him, tell him it’s okay and that I forgave him. Maybe to tell him I loved- no. I don’t. Not in the way he wants. I… I don’t… 

“Koto…” I mumbled, gulping heavily. I winced in pain as I did, allowing myself to look away. 

The boy looked at me, hope filling his sorrow ridden face as he sniffled, fingers reaching out for my shoulders as he slid down to sit in my lap, hugging me tightly. 

I returned his gesture, furrowing my eyebrows as I opened my mouth to speak, “Koto… I…”.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow lmao


	11. Lovely Person

Koto whimpered softly, holding me tightly.

“You do?” He asked me, doubting my confession. I felt my heart thump as I thought about saying the embarrassing confession again. 

“… I- I do.” I whispered against his head, taking in a small breath, some of his sweet fragrance relaxed me. I hugged him tighter, “I love you.” I finally let myself admit. I wanted to tell him that and just leave it. I didn’t want to explain how confused I am, how terrified of love I really was. I didn’t want to hurt him more than he’s already been hurt. 

Koto let out a small cry, “I-I’m so glad…!” He clung to me tightly. I held him, guilt filling me up as fast as light. I closed my eyes and let myself relax. 

“… But….” I whispered out, feeling Koto tense up as I spoke. He pulled back, slowly, sniffling and letting his hands rest on my waist. 

He waited for me to speak, licking over his lips. I sighed softly, pulling him against me again, immediately missing his warmth. 

The white haired boy rested his head against mine, wrapping his arms around my neck, letting out a shaky breath, “But…?” He asked quietly. 

“I’m confused. And I don’t want you… involved with me. I want to hold you like this, you have no idea how much I want to be able to do this forever.” I took a breath, closing my eyes, trying to relax my throat, “No matter how many times I’m told that I’m not a monster, I know I am. You deserve a human. A good person.” I let my thoughts run wild with other things, things from my past. Things I couldn’t fix.

“Yuki, you don’t get it. I don’t care. I’m tell you I don’t care. I’ve seen terrible stuff, I’ve been in hopeless situations, I… Yuki…” He let out a breath, pulling back, “Nakahara, you want to hold me? Do it. Hold me tightly, never let go. Because you are human. You are a good person. You deserve me. You are deserving of so much more than just me.” He let out a soft cry, watching me carefully, eyes still so hopeful. 

I felt my whole body crash. My feelings starting to clash and burst. This boy holds me so high. Why? Why does he cherish me so much? What’s wrong with him? 

I leaned in, wanting to kiss him but stopping myself and hugging him instead, pulling him as close as possible. “S-Stop…” I cried out, shaking my head. Koto kisses my head, petting my hair, “Stop what?” He mumbled quietly.

“Stop being so good to me…” I strained out, feeling my raw throat stop me from using my voice. 

Koto pulled back, standing up, watching me as I gripped his pale orange sweater, begging him to come back. 

“You’re such an idiot.” He finally mumbled, gripping my bandaged fingers, motioning for me to stand. I did, finally feeling the weight of my depression slam down on my like a pound of bricks. 

Koto stood tall on his toes, kissing me softly, wrapping his fingers around my shoulders. I hugged him by the waist, allowing myself to fall for him again. His lips weren’t as jagged as I was expecting. They weren’t all that soft either but they were warm against my own. 

Koto hummed softly, pulling away, looking at me with a loving smile, “I am absolutely smitten with you and nothing will change that.” He kissed my cheek, stopping for a second, “U-Unless… you like pineapple on pizza.” He hummed, thoughtfully. 

I felt a laughter rise from my aching throat. I laughed anyways. I couldn’t stop laughing, no matter my much my raw throat aches. I leaned my head on his and laughed. 

Koto let out a few giggles, “Actually, we could compromise, half’n’half…” he whispered quietly, smiling against my neck. I let out a breathy laugh, sliding my fingers into his hair.

“… Who’s the idiot now?” I chuckled, holding him carefully. Koto laughed, “It’s still you…” he pulled back and grabbed my hand gently, “So, it’s okay. We both have faults and things we’re not proud of. Just don’t hide from me, okay? That’s all I ask.” The boy smiled. 

I flushed red and nodded, watching his smile grow bigger. I picked him up and he let out a surprised ‘oh!’, laughing as he wrapped his arms around me.

I carried him to my bedroom and fell back on the bed, shifting to hold Koto close. He laughed softly, “…I guess I could stay this morning.” He whispered, running his fingers along my hair, combing it gently. 

“Thank you.” I whispered quietly, nuzzling his chest. Koto hummed softly, “Just get some sleep, okay? You look like you need it.” He whispered softly. 

I sighed softly, closing my eyes. Maybe he was right. 

 

I woke up, feeling my blanket snug around me. Though, coldness still found its way to me and I shivered, looking around for my companion, a slight feeling of dread locking around me when I couldn't see him. 

Sighing, I stood up shivered a bit. Why was it so cold? Isn’t it June? 

I made my way outside my room, making my way down the small hall, glancing around. Oh!

Koto sat on the counter, drinking coffee out of one of my mugs, looking drowsy. He had noticed me, smiling brightly as he put down the coffee. I walked closer to him and went for coffee as well. 

“Good morning, Yuki.” Koto slid over to me. I glanced at him tiredly, sniffling a bit. A feeling of need took over me, like an itch for his touch again. I leaned over and pressed my lips against his, softly but momentarily. He flushed and looked away.

“Good morning, Koto.” I hummed softly, getting my coffee. Koto watched me, sipping his coffee. It was quiet, other than the whirring of the coffee machine. A comfortable and peaceful silence. 

We drank our coffee, Koto finishing before me. He set his cup beside him, clearing his throat, “… I have a question.” He mumbled quietly.

I felt myself grow a bit nervous at the break in silence but I nodded anyways, sipping at my coffee for a little too long. I already couldn’t stand the coffee anymore.

Koto opened his mouth, hesitating to speak for a second, then sighing. He showed a nervous smile, “Uh… Hmm… What are we?” He finally asked, tone quivering. 

I lowered my gaze and set my cup down. I hated that question. But, he’s right to ask it because even I don’t know. We’re… friends, right? No, I definitely didn’t see him in that light. 

Shrugging a bit, I looked at him, “What do you want us to be?” I smiled at him, knowing his answer as soon as he lowered his eyes. I didn’t want to say it first, I’d be embarrassed.

“Lovers.” He clarified, looking up at me with cowardice eyes. I smiled brighter and nodded, “Alright, then we’re… lovers.” I leaned over, kissing his cheek and grabbing his mug. His face was flushed red and a big smile washed over his features. 

I poured my coffee down the drain and started to wash our cups. Koto grabbed my sleeve and I turned to him, immediately being greeted by his warmth. He pulled me into a tight hug, slipping off the counter. He stayed like that for a few minutes and I smiled, ruffling his hair. It was then I heard him crying into my shirt. I tensed up and furrowed my eyebrows and let out a panicked breath.

“H-Hey, whoa, what’s wrong?” I hugged him cautiously. Did I kiss him too much? I shouldn’t have done that. That’s too far, we just established we were dating and I don’t know his boundaries, at all.

Koto’s laugh broke my thoughts, “I’m sorry, I’m just so happy…” he giggled, pulling away and sniffling, wiping his tears away. I felt my face go red. Oh. Oh, yeah. 

I let out a relieved huff of air and narrowed my eyes, “Don’t scare me like that…” I muttered in a jokingly annoyed tone. Koto grinned, eyes bright, “I-I didn’t mean to! I am… just…” Koto laughed, resting his head on my chest, “I’m just so glad you exist, you know? You’ve already made me so much more happier.” He whispered, giggling softly, glancing up at me.

I felt my face heat up as I was at a loss for words. We looked at each other for a few seconds, Koto giving me a patient look. I let out a breath, hugging him tightly, “You don’t have to be so sweet…” I mumbled quietly. The male hummed softly, “Of course I do.” He smiled up at me. 

I squinted, “Alright, honey. You’re gonna give me cavities if you keep looking at me like that.” I let him go. Koto laughed, “Th-That was so stupid…” he covered his reddening face, looking away. 

“Hey, it worked, right?” I gave him a grin, watching his flustered blue eyes dart around.

Why did I still feel so empty?

“… L-Let’s make breakfast, I’m hungry.” He mumbled, smiling embarrassingly. I nodded. Feeling my whole body start to feel nauseous, I crossed my arms, “What do you want?” I asked. Koto thought for a second before walking over to the cupboards, opening them.

“… Y-You literally don’t have anything…” Koto turned to me with a joking scowl. I stayed still for a second, “So that is what I forgot to do last weekend…” I mumbled to myself, trying to joke.

“How could you forget to eat?!” Koto gave me a worried look, like I had done something atrocious. I just stared at him, my face turning a bit sour at the thought of eating something. 

“I’ve lost my appetite.” I nodded a bit, lowering my eyes. Something in Koto’s head seemed to click and he let out a hum.

“Alright…” Koto whispered, a small nod following. He walked over, curling his fingers with mine, “What do you want to do then?” He gave me a kind smile and I flushed, looking away from him. 

“… Nothing.” I mumbled. Koto nodded, a new ambition in his eyes. I was kind of put off by it as he pulled me to the couch and sitting me down. 

“Then we shall do absolutely nothing!” He cheered, sitting next to me and curling up against my side. What a treasure. I was silent as I stared at him. I was pretty lucky, hm? I don’t deserve him at all, yet here he is. I sighed contently, laying back.

“… Hey,” Koto started shuffling closer to me, “Whatever happened last night, it’s okay.” He nodded, glancing up at me. I averted my gaze and let out a breath.

“Let’s not talk about it.” I mumbled, feeling my body tremble as I started to pick at the bandages. Koto’s fingers curled with mine as he noticed.

“Alright, we won’t talk about it.” Koto softly kissed my knuckles. I felt my face heat up.I didn’t want to talk about it, that was very much the truth. It wasn’t unlike any other job. I stayed by my rules. I never talked to anyone about it. I never wanted to. 

But there was something so comforting about Kotora. I could cry into his shoulder and be content with it. Something I never felt around Hanae. Something I never felt around… Keiyane.

… Something so… lovely.

I pulled him against me, “How are your wounds?” I asked quietly, letting my fingers slide to his waist. He shifted a bit, nodding as he gripped my shirt.

“Better. No need to worry about them anymore…” He gave me a weary smile. I felt myself stiffen a bit, letting Koto go. I stood up, making the boy have to catch himself from falling, “Uh-- Wh-What’s wrong?” His eyes frantically met mine as he sat properly. 

I let out a shaky breath, “K-Koto…” I started, glancing at him every so often. I could see him reel back a bit at my tone, like he was in trouble.

“Don’t start this, Yuki. Please.” He mumbled, twiddling his fingers. 

“Start what? I-I’m not starting anything. It’s just I can’t stand it when you smile like everything's okay.” I crossed my arms, “It’s sad.” I narrowed my eyes. My chest felt heavier as I sat against the sofa.

“... I’m only smiling for your sake. I… I want you to be… Okay. You’re so difficult to be around because you’re just so touch-starved an-and just ridden with tragedy… I’ve told you everything… and I only know the you that Hana told me about.” Koto stood up defensively, “I’m tired of these mixed signals! As soon as I get close to you, you push me further and further away! And then the next second you’re hugging me an- and kissing me! Nakahara, I can’t take it anymore!” Koto nearly yelled out through his tears, clutching the hem of his shirt, lip trembling defending himself like I had been yelling back at him.

I felt myself lock up. Was he blaming me for this? What was he even saying?

I stood up, “Th-This isn’t about me, Tokei! And anyways, why is it my fault? I wasn’t the one who was--!” I quickly shut up as I caught myself. Koto’s face twisted a bit as his eyes lowered.

“I’m sorry that me being raped was such an inconvenience to you.” He whispered softly, stepping away from me. I felt my blood stop as he just stood there. 

I reached my hand out, “W-Wait, no, that’s not-- I didn’t mean that. I- I don’t know your boundaries. I… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Koto.” I felt my voice get weak, my throat burning and chest thumping at my mistake. 

Koto stared at my hand, then up at me, “... It was a mistake coming here. I’m sorry, I won’t make it again.” He turned and reached for the locks on my door. I stopped him, running over and grabbing his wrist.

“No, no, please don’t leave. I’m--” I begged for him to stay, falling to my knees, “I’m sorry that I’m a fucking idiot.” I breathed out, looking up at him. His face was flushed and his hand fell from the door.

“You’re always going to be a fucking idiot…” Koto muttered quietly, looking away from me. I felt myself laugh softly.

“... I was adopted when I was younger…” I started, catching Koto off-guard. His blue eyes quickly met my hopeless brown ones.

The white haired male sighed softly, motioning for me to stand up and bringing me to the couch.

We sat down and I stared at him for a second.

“I don’t know my real name. My adoptive parents were forced to give me up to the C gang when I was really young. I lived with _them_ for most of my childhood, I didn’t have friends there. O-Only Keiyane.” I mumbled quietly. Koto’s fingers slid with mine, holding my hand and providing a small, warm comfort. I smiled a bit at him.

“Hanae used to go to our high-school, sh-she walked me through it and eventually we started to date… B-But that didn’t last very long because of… her… being in… You know, the C gang…” I let out a soft, sad laugh. Koto nodded, listening intently to my story. 

“... I … I’m scared… of what’s going to happen when people find out that I exist… Because, I shouldn’t. A-And I’m scared of getting too close to people, too close to you… I think I m-might hurt you one day and… a-and…” I let out a shuddering breath and gripped his hands tightly. 

Koto gave me a gentle smile and leaned against my shoulder, “Yuki, you could never.” He whispered, “All you’ve done was protect me. I love you, so much. I love you, Fuyuki.” The male pulled me into a hug.

We spent so long like that together. What a lovely person.


End file.
